IN  MEMORY  OF 
WILLIAM  C.  HABBERLEY 


.rw 


JONES    CHARGES   THE    ENEMY    FrRIOUSI.Y 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  JONES 


BY 

1IAYDEN  CARKUTII 


Lcholdinij  the  bright  countenance  of  Truth  in  the  quiet 
and  still  air  of  delightful  stiidies.— MILTON 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW  YORK 

HARPER  &  BROTHERS  PUBLISHERS 
1895 


6 


GIB 


Copyright.  1895,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

All  rights  retirrrrl. 


AT 


TO 

THE  PRINCE,  THE  JUDGE 

AND 

THE  CHERUB 


CONTENTS 


CHAP.  PAGE 

I.    THE    GLOBULAR    CYCLONE-HOUSE      ...  1 

II.    THE    CAT-MOTOR 7 

III.  INTERESTING   MEETING  WITH   A  PANTHER  13 

IV.  THE    RISE   AND   FALL    OF    JONES   CITY    .       .  20 
V.    RAPID    RIDING    AT    GETTYSBURG  ....  26 

VI.    HOG-RAISING    IN    THE    BLACK   BELT  ...  32 

VII.    THE   PARALYZER    AND    CONSERVATOR    .       .  37 

VIII.    TERRIBLE    ENCOUNTER    WITH   WOLVES       .  42 

IX.    THE   WILD-CAT    FRIGHTENER 48 

X.    ACTIVE    COLORADO    REAL    ESTATE      ...  54 

XI.    FARMING    IN    VERMONT 60 

XII.    RAPID   RISE    OF   A    DUCK    GROWER     .       .       .64 

XIII.  THE   KING   OF    ROARING    CREEK    ....  72 

XIV.  THE   FRESH    BEAR    CO 77 

XV.    UNIQUE    EXPERIENCE  ON  LAKE   SUPERIOR  83 

XVI.    TEN    WEEKS    IN    AFRICA 90 

XVII.    AT   PORT    HUDSON 97 

XVIII.    THE   LEVIATHAN   TRANSPORTATION    LINE.  103 

XIX.    TIGERS 110 

XX.    IN    HIGH    LATITUDES                                                   .  115 


ILLUSTKATIONS 


JONES    CHARGES   THE    ENEMY    FURIOUSLY        ,  Frontispiece 
JONES     AND     THE     ROOSTER     SEE     THE      CY 
CLONE    Facing  p.       4 

JONES  BUYS  A  FEW  PRIME  CATS  ....  "  "  10 
JONES  PLACES  BONES  IN  AN  AWKWARD 

POSITION "  "  18 

JONES  HELPS  MAKE  GEOGRAPHY  ....  "  "  24 
JONES  INSPECTS  THE  IMPROVED  WHITED 

SEPULCHRE "  "  34 

JONES  TAKES  THE  AIR  OF  A  MORNING  .  .  40 
JONES  AND  BONES  OUTWIT  THE  FEROCIOl'S 

WOLVES "  "  46 

JONES  OUTRIDES  THE  RED-HEADKD  MAN  .  "  "  58 

JONES  DOES  HIS  FALL  PLOUGHING  ...  "  "  62 

JONES  RISES  WITH  THE  DUCK  ....  68 
JONES  IS  BUNCOED  BY  THE  SCRANTON 

BEARS  - "  "  80 

JONES'S  ELEPHANT  PRODUCES  EXCITEMENT 

AMONG  READERS 94 

JONES  TOUCHED  THE  VENT  WITH  HIS  CIGAR  "  "  100 

JONES  EXERCISES  THE  FIN-BACK  ....  108 

JONES  ENGAGED  IN  DECORATING  THE  TIGER  112 
JONES  SURPRISED  BY  FOUR  LARGE  POLAR 

BEARS     .  "         "      120 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  JONES 


THE    GLOBULAR    CYCLONE-HOUSE 

JACKSON  PETERS  leaned  back  in  his  chair, 
and  slowly  blew  a  cloud  of  smoke  towards 
the  ceiling.  "Jones,"  he  said,  "I  want  to 
ask  your  opinion  in  regard  to  the  probability 
of  a  cyclone  story  which  a  friend  told  me  the 
other  day." 

"Most  cyclone  stories  are  palpable  lies, 
Jackson,"  was  the  prompt  reply  of  Jones. 

"No  doubt.  The  point  is  this  :  He  said 
he  had  seen  straws  driven  through  inch 
boards  by  the  force  of  the  wind." 

"It  never  happened,  Jackson.  That  is  a 
stock  lie  told  of  every  cyclone  that  blows. 
Your  friend  imposed  upon  your  youth,  my 
boy.  He  would  never  have  dared  to  tell 
such  a  manifest  and  self  -  heralding  lie  to 


2  THE     ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

Robinson  or  Smith.  I  must  admit,  though, 
that  the  force  of  the  wind  in  a  genuine  cy 
clone  is  considerable.  When  I  lived  in  Kan 
sas,  in  the  '70's,  I  had  a  quantity  of  poultry, 
but  it  was  all  blown  away  in  the  first  cyclone 
of  the  season-except  one  black  Spanish  roost 
er.  He  clung  to  a  grass  root  with  his  bill, 
and  allowed  his  tail  to  crack- and  whip  in  the 
wind  like  a  yacht  pennant.  He  rode  out  the 
gale,  though  most  of  his  feathers  were  blown 
off.  Subsequently  I  found  some  of  them  em 
bedded  over  half  an  inch  in  my  grindstone." 

"  Yes,"  said  Peters,  "  I  presume  my  friend 
was  trying  to  impose  upon  my  adolescence." 

"  I  think  so,  Jackson.  I  had  considerable 
experience  with  cyclones  that  summer  in 
Kansas.  But  I  learned  to  handle  myself  so 
that  I  did  not  mind  them  much.  I  soon  saw 
the  fallacy  of  depending  on  cyclone  cellars 
and  that  sort  of  thing.  The  fundamental 
difficulty  with  all  such  things  is  that  you  try 
to  hold  yourself  firmly  in  one  place.  It  is 
as  if  a  ship  in  a  gale  should  tie  up  to  a  post 
(supposing  mid-ocean  posts,  for  the  time  be 
ing)  instead  of  driving  before  the  tempest. 
The  first  cyclone  that  summer  I  of  course 
went  down  cellar,  like  other  folks.  My 
house  was  soon  blown  away,  but  I  crouched 


THE    GLOBULAR    CYCLONE-HOUSE  3 

in  the  cellar  and  felt  safe.  The  next  thing  I 
knew  the  cellar  went  too,  rolling  over  and 
over  like  a  silk  hat.  I  was  soon  spilled  out. 
With  infinite  labor  I  crawled  back  in  the 
teeth  of  the  wind,  intending  to  take  refuge 
in  the  hole  the  cellar  came  out  of.  To  my 
consternation,  I  found  that  that  had  blown 
away  also.  I  then  followed  the  example  of 
the  rooster,  clung  to  a  root,  and  allowed  my 
legs  to  flutter  and  snap  in  the  gale  like  a 
weather-signal  flag. 

"  When  the  wind  subsided,  towards  night, 
and  objects  began  to  come  down — a  hay 
stack  here,  a  man  there,  a  wagon  somewhere 
else — I  set  myself  at  work  on  a  plan  to  pre 
vent  any  such  awkward  occurrence  in  the 
future.  Applying  the  principle  of  non-resist 
ance,  I  constructed  a  spherical  house  about 
twelve  feet  in  diameter.  It  was  an  exact 
ball,  covered  with  light  boiler-plates,  and 
with  iron  shutters  for  the  doors  and  win 
dows.  It  was  not  the  most  convenient  house 
inside,  but  by  fitting  It  up  like  a  ship — that 
is,  utilizing  every  inch  of  space,  no  matter 
where  it  was,  for  some  purpose — it  did  very 
well.  I  had  a  bunk  on  one  side  for  sleeping 
purposes,  with  straps  to  hold  myself  in. 

"  The  next  cyclone  came  up  one  afternoon 


4  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

while  I  was  hoeing  my  watermelons.  Tuck 
ing  my  faithful  rooster  under  my  arm,  I  re 
tired  to  my  house  and  closed  the  shutters.  I 
got  into  the  bunk,  taking  the  rooster  with 
me,  and  strapped  myself  in.  We  got  off  in 
about  ten  minutes,  rolling  easily  at  first,  but 
bounding  along  with  greater  rapidity  after 
we  had  gone  a  short  distance.  The  motion 
was  peculiar,  but  not  so  violent  as  that  of  a 
Fifth  Avenue  stage.  It  was  pleasanter  when 
we  were  moving  at  right  angles  to  the  plane 
of  my  bunk  than  when  parallel  to  it,  as  in 
the  latter  case  we  were  standing  on  our 
heads  a  good  part  of  the  time.  The  rooster 
did  not  mind  it  so  much  as  I  feared  he  would, 
and  occasionally  I  could  hear  him  crowing 
lustily  under  the  clothes. 

"I  fell  into  a  light  sleep  after  a  while. 
When  I  awoke  the  motion  seemed  much 
steadier,  though  there  was  an  occasional  ter 
rific  bump.  I  peeped  through  a  small  crack 
and,  soon  saw  the  reason.  The  wind  had 
greatly  increased,  and  we  were  being  carried 
through  the  air  near  the  ground,  only  strik 
ing  on  the  high  places.  Afterwards  we  set 
tled  down  to  a  fast  roll  on  a  long,  level 
prairie.  We  passed  several  ordinary  houses, 
which,  being  square -cornered,  could  not 


te  -*s&5 


JONES    AND    THE    ROOSTER    SEE    THE   CYCLONE 


THE    GLOBULAR    CYCLONE--HOUSE  5 

make  so  good  time.  I  could  see  that  the 
face  of  the  country  was  being  furrowed  up, 
and  the  landscape  blown  about  like  chaff.  I 
held  m}'-  rooster  up,  and  let  him  peep  out. 
He  crowed  and  flapped  his  wings  heroically 
as  we  easily  passed  a  large  Episcopal  church, 
which  was  pitching  heavily  and  making  poor 
time,  owing  to  the  fact  that  the  steeple  was 
ploughing  into  the  ground  every  few  rods. 
We  crossed  the  Arkansas  River  with  one 
bound,  and  shortly  after  rolled  into  a  little 
gully— or  draw,  as  they  call  it  in  Kansas — 
and  lodged  there.  The  wind  soon  quieted 
down.  Leaving  my  rooster  on  the  dressing- 
case,  I  went  out,  and  ascertained  from  a  man 
who  had  just  come  up  from  a  deep  well  that 
we  were  in  the  Indian  Territory.  Fortu 
nately  a  cyclone  came  along  from  the  other 
direction  two  days  later  and  blew  us  back 
home.  When  I  released  my  rooster  he  went 
back  and  began  scratching  in  the  garden  as  if 
nothing  had  happened." 

"  How  did  you  stop  at  your  farm  ?"  in 
quired  Peters. 

"  Jackson,"  replied  Jones,  "  your  mania  for 
inquiry  has  struck  you  too  late.  You  should 
have  become  inquisitorial  yesterday,  when 
your  friend  told  you  of  observing  hay  in  the 


6  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

act  of  perforating  heavy  lumber.  You  show 
a  lack  of  the  ability  to  judge  of  historical 
values  when,  after  swallowing  that  story  like 
a  three  years'  child,  you  begin  to  demand 
sordid  details  of  a  plain  tale  from  the 
prairies  like  mine." 


II 

THE    CAT-MOTOR 

"SPEAKING  of  cats,"  said  Jackson  Peters, 
in  an  easy  tone,  turning  around  sidewise  in 
his  chair,  "I  want  to — " 

"  But,  Jackson,"  interposed  Jones,  gently, 
and  with  a  touch  of  weariness  in  his  voice, 
"  let  us  approach  this  profitable  and  diverting 
narrative  of  yours  with  a  clear  understanding 
of  where  we  are  and  what  we  are  doing. 
Favor  your  expectant  audience,  Jackson,  with 
an  exact  statement  as  to  who  was  speaking 
of  cats." 

"  Well,  Robinson  said  he  was  kept  awake 
all  last  night,  and  I  supposed  it  was  cats,  of 
course.  It's  usually  cats,  you  know.  As  I 
started  to  say — " 

"Jackson,  you  jump  at  conclusions  like  a 
man  writing  history.  You  show  yourself 
better  fitted  for  a  geologist  than  a  story 
teller.  In  point  of  fact,  Robinson  was  kept 
awake  by  your  improbable  tale  of  railroad 


THE     ADVENTURES    OF    JOXES 

experiences  in  Arizona,  where,  you  told  us, 
they  run  over  a  steer  whenever  they  want  a 
steak  in  the  dining-car.  Quite  enough  to 
keep  anybody  awake,  Jackson.  Now,  speak 
ing  of  cats,  since  a  definite  person  has  spoken 
of  cats,  let  me  relate  a  little  experience  of  my 
own  which  I  had- with  them  when  I  lived  in 
Milwaukee. 

"You  know  one  of  my  greatest  hobbies  is 
the  extraction  of  latent  energy.  I  cannot 
rest  when  I  see  stored-up  force,  and  work 
which  that  force  might  be  doiiig.  This 
brought  about  my  great  tramp -motor,  of 
which  I  have  told  you.  In  that,  you  will 
remember,  I  constructed  a  pair  of  front  steps 
on  the  principle  of  a  tread-mill,  on  which  I 
kept. the  tramp  by  an  ingenious  system  of 
old. bayonets,  which  rose  up  behind  him,  till 
his  entire  latent  energy  had  been  extracted. 
I  baited  my  motor  with  my  grandmother — as 
you  must  recollect,  a  most  benevolent-appear 
ing  and  tramp  -  attracting  old  gentlewoman, 
whose  features,  fortunately,  I  was  allowed 
largely  to  inherit.  Ah,  I  can  see  the  dear 
old  lady  yet,  in  her  white  cap,  sitting  there 
on  the  stoop  in  the  warm  spring  sunlight, 
knitting,  and  looking  mildly  over  her.  spec 
tacles  at  another  200-pound  tramp  coming 


THE    CAT-MOTOR 


trustingly  up  the  gravel  walk— like  a  lamb, 
gentlemen,' to  the  slaughter  ! 

"But  to  my  cat  idea.  I  had  a  large  cork 
and  bung  factory  in  Grand  Avenue,  and  I 
needed  power  to  run  my  machinery.  You 
know,  of  course,  that  there  is  an  immense 
amount  of  stored-up  electricity  in  a  cat.  The 
problem  for  inventors  has  been  to  discover  a 
way  to  extract  it  profitably.  Franklin  looked 
into  the  subject.  His  idea  was  to  tie  the  cat 
to  a  kite  string  by  her  tail  and  let  her  skate 
along  across  the  country,  the  friction  between 
the  cat  and  the  face  of  nature  generating  the 
electricity,  the  same  afterwards  to  be  ex 
tracted  from  the  kite  by  induction  ;  but  the 
plan  was  too  expensive.  For  five  years  it 
was  impossible  to  keep  a  cat  in  the  neighbor 
hood  of  Menlo  Park.  Thomas  A.  Edison 
was  working  every  night  on  the  same  prob 
lem;  but  he,  too,  failed.  More  fortunate  than 
they,  I  succeeded — chiefly,  I  believe,  because 
I  approached  the  subject  scientifically. 

"  In  the  rear  of  my  factory  I  constructed  a 
one-story  circular  building,  some  sixty  feet  in 
diameter.  On  the  floor  of  this  I  coiled  a 
glass  pipe  six  inches  in  diameter.  The  first 
coil  ran  around  the  outside  of  the  room,,  the 
coils  gradually  growing  smaller,  till  the  last, 


10  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

in  the  centre,  was  no  larger  than  this  table. 
It  gave  me  something  like  a  mile  of  pipe. 
The  top  and  sides  of  this  pipe  were  lined 
with  rather  stiff  hair-brushes,  the  bristles  be 
ing  a  little  more  than  an  inch  in  length. 

"At  that  time  Milwaukee  was  overrun 
with  cats.  It  was  impossible  to  sleep  nights. 
I  put  a  notice  in  the  paper  that  I  would  pay 
ten  cents  a  dozen  for  prime  cats,  delivered  at 
my  factory.  I  got  sixty  dozen  the  first  day, 
and  stored  them  in  the  basement  of  the 
power  -  house.  The  motor  operated  thus  : 
Placing  in  the  outer  end  of  the  glass  pipe  an 
imitation  rat,  made  of  rubber  and  propelled 
by  a  small  interior  storage  battery,  I  would 
then  adjust  a  cat  immediately  behind  it. 
The  rubber  rat  would  start  off  at  a  terrific 
rate — it  was  made  to  go  through  the  mile  of 
tubing  in  from  two  to  three  minutes — and 
the  cat,  of  course,  followed  furiously,  think 
ing  to  catch  the  supposed  animal  throughout 
the  entire  distance. 

"  Gentlemen,  it  was  exciting  to  watch  a 
healthy,  active  cat  whip  about  those  spirals, 
with  the  mechanical  rat  about  a  foot  ahead, 
and  going  like  a  cannon-ball.  The  cat's  back 
and  sides  rubbed  against  the  brushes,  and  her 
electricity  was  thus  extracted.  With  a  stor- 


JONKS    BUYS    A    FEW    PRIME    CATS 


THE    CAT-MOTOR  11 

age  battery,  and  by  sending  a  cat  through 
every  five  minutes,  I  generated  enough  elec 
tricity  to  operate  my  entire  plant,  light  my 
factory,  and  sell  power  to  run  neighboring 
passenger  elevators  and  small  machinery.  It 
also  took  the  yowl  out  of  the  cats,  and  grad 
ually  the  city  became  quiet.  At  the  end  of 
a  week  a  cat  could  be  caught  and  used  again, 
an  advantage  which  my  tramp-motor  did  not 
possess,  as  even  the  most  bland  smile  of  my 
dear  old  grandmother  could  seldom  lure  on  a 
tramp  the  second  time." 

There  was  silence  around  the  table  for.  a 
full  minute  after  Jones  stopped.  Then  Pe 
ters  slowly  said  : 

"Jones,  the  weak  point  of  your  stories  is 
always  the  end.  You  build  up  some  marvel 
lous —  I  will  not  say  impossible  — structure, 
and  then  give  a  lame  and  impotent  reason 
for  its  failure  or  final  disappearance.  Now  I 
dare  say  a  comet  struck  your  cat  -  motor,  or 
something  of  that  sort." 

An  expression  almost  of  indignation  man 
tled  the  placid  features  inherited  from  a  be 
nevolent  grandmother  as  Jones  turned  to 
Peters  and  said: 

"You  do  me  an  injustice,  Jackson.  You 
might  have  heard  the  conclusion  before  mak- 


12  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

ing  your  comments.  Nothing  happened  to 
that  cat-engine  ;  it  is  there  yet.  When  I  left 
Milwaukee  Isold  the  factory  to  a  man  named 
Pumpernickel.  He  operates  it  still.  He  has 
also  added  the  business  of  beer-bottling.  On 
that  very  bottle  standing  before  you,  you  will 
observe  the  words,  'Bottled  by  Pumpernickel, 
Grand  Avenue.'  That  cork  which  you  hold 
idly  in  your  hand  was  shaped  and  forced  into 
the  bottle  by  cat-power — a  cat-power,  Jack 
son,  which  I  conceived,  invented,  perfected, 
and  for  five  years  operated." 

Jones  turned  in  his  chair  and  looked  out  of 
the  window  with  a  patient,  resigned  air. 


Ill 

INTERESTING   MEETING  WITH   A   PANTHER 

"You  are  under  the  impression  that  you 
are  thinking,  eh?"  said  Jones,  in  a  gentle, 
soothing  tone,  as  he  turned  to  Jackson  Peters 
and  observed  that  young  man  with  a  fatherly 
air. 

Peters  maintained  his  silence  for  another 
moment  or  two,  and  then  answered: 

"No,  I  hardly  dignified  my  mental  gym 
nastics  with  that  term.  I  was  simply  turning 
over  in  what  passes  for  my  mind  the  notion 
of  how  little  true  greatness  is  appreciated.  I 
told  an  acquaintance  your  circus-tiger  story, 
and  he  pronounced  it  a  monumental,  epoch- 
marking  lie." 

"My  young  friend,"  returned  Jones,  "you 
are  not  associating  with  the  right  sort  of  peo 
ple.  There  was  nothing  improbable  about 
that  story.  Circus  tigers  frequently  escape  ; 
surely  your  friend  could  believe  this.  A  ti 
ger's  tail  is  long  and  supple,  and  easily  tied 


14  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

in  a  knot  ;  your  intelligent  friend  could  not 
deny  this.  The  hole  in  the  fence  was  only 
very  slightly  larger  than  the  tiger's  plain  un- 
knotted  tail,  so  of  course  after  the  knot  was 
tied  it  was  impossible  for  him  to  withdraw  it, 
and  his  capture  was  easy.  If  your  friend 
thinks  that  a  tiger  under  such  circumstances 
would  tear  off  his  tail  and  go  bounding  away 
across  the  country  without  it,  why,  all  I've 
got  to  say  is  that  he  has  less  intelligence  than 
a  friend  of  so  brilliant  a  young  man  as  you 
are  should  have." 

"  He  didn't  doubt  any  of  these  things,"  ex 
plained  Jackson  Peters.  "  Nor  did  he  sup 
pose  that  a  tiger  would  leave  his  tail  behind. 
What  he  wanted  explained  was  how  you  in 
duced  the  tiger  to  back  up  and  put  his  tail 
through  the  knot-hole  in  the  fence." 

"Jackson,  I  am  glad  your  scholarly  and 
penetrating  frie.nd  raised  this  question.  I 
will  explain.  I  had  on  the  side  of  the  high 
board  fence  opposite  to  the  tiger  a  large  tin 
pail  of  sweet  cream.  The  idea  of  the  saga 
cious  animal  was  to  put  his  tail  through  the 
knot-knole,  insert  it  in  the  pail,  withdraw  it, 
and  then  lick  off  the  adhering  cream.  I  tied 
the  knot  in  his  tail  before  the  far-sighted 
beast  could  complete  the  execution  of  his 


INTERESTING    MEETING    WITH    A    PANTHER       15 

well-laid  plan.  What  you  want  to  do,  Jack 
son,  is  to  get  the  tail  off  of  a  stuffed  tiger, 
load  it  heavily  with  lead,  and  then  use  it  to 
beat  some  sense  into  the  head  of  your  valued 
friend.  If  the  able  gentleman  ever  gets  to 
know  half  as  much  as  that  tiger,  he  may  count 
it  the  luckiest  day  of  his  life. 

"  While  on  the  subject  of  tigers  and  that 
sort  of  thing,  I  want  to  mention  a  little  expe 
rience  I  had  a  few  years  ago  with  a  mountain- 
lion  in  Montana.  You  may  call  it  a  mountain- 
lion,  or  jaguar,  or  panther,  or  tiger,  or  what 
you  will — it  makes  no  difference,  of  course — 
the  fact  remains  that  it  was  some  ten  or 
twelve  feet  long,  almost  as  big  as  the  circus 
tiger.  You  may  remember  my  dog  Bones — 
I  mentioned  him  recently  in  connection  with 
certain  wolf  operations.  Bones,  you  will  rec 
ollect,  did  not  make  a  specialty  of  wild  beasts; 
he  preferred  the  society  of  man,  and  the  only 
wild  animal  I  ever  saw  him  bristle  up  to  and 
put  to  flight  was  the  common  cotton-tail  rab 
bit.  He  went  at  rabbits  with  a  ferocity  which 
was  awe-inspiring,  but  the  mere  sight  of  the 
picture  of  a  wild-cat  in  a  book  of  natural  his 
tory  would  cause  him  to  howl  dismally  and 
creep  under  my  chair. 

"  I  had  a  large  cattle  ranch  in  Winchester 


16  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

Trigger  Valley.  The  country  was  new  then 
and  overrun  with  Indians  and  wild  beasts.  I 
went  out  one  day  on  horseback  to  look  after 
some  stray  stock.  When  about  twenty  miles 
up  the  valley  my  horse  stepped  in  a  prairie- 
dog  hole  and  broke  his  leg.  I  shot  the  poor 
beast  to  put  him  out  of  his  misery,  and  pro 
ceeded  on  foot.  I  forgot  to  say  that  Bones 
was  with  me.  I  soon  found  that  my  rifle  was 
heavy,  so  I  cached  it  and  pressed  on.  I  was 
going  across  a  little  open  park,  when  I  was 
startled  by  the  fierce,  almost  human,  cry  of 
a  jaguar.  I  looked  back,  and  saw  the  beast 
bounding  toward  me,  covering  thirty  feet  at 
each  jump.  My  first  thought,  of  course,  was 
of  the  unfortunate  Bones.  Tucking  him  un 
der  my  arm,  I  ran.  I  reached  a  small  cotton- 
wood  tree  about  three  yards  ahead  of  the 
enraged  panther,  and  climbed  it,  still  holding 
close  to  my  valuable  dog. 

"  We  remained  in  the  tree  some  two  hours, 
during  which  time  the  baffled  jaguar  screamed 
and  roared  below,  and,  as  it  were,  beat  the 
air  to  a  foam  with  his  tail.  I  remained  calm. 
Poor  Bones,  however,  was  in  an  agony  of 
fear,  and  clung  with  desperation  to  a  small 
limb  on  which  I  had  placed  him.  I  was  be 
coming  sleepy,  and  was  arranging  for  a  nap 


INTERESTING    MEETING    WITH    A    PANTHER       17 

on  my  limb,  when  my  attention  was  attracted 
to  a  cloud  of  dust  about  a  mile  away.  I  soon 
saw  that  it  was  a  band  of  mounted  Sioux 
Indians,  and  that  they  were  corning  directly 
for  me.  Gentlemen,  it  was  not  a  time  for 
esoteric  speculation;  rather  it  was  an  occasion 
for  prompt,  decisive,  buzz-saw  action;  and  I 
hope  I  may  venture  to  say  that  I  am  not  alto 
gether  out  of  place  at  such  a  time  as  this. 

"Reaching  in  my  pocket,  I  drew  out  my 
knife,  and  hastily  cut  off  the  limb  to  which 
Bones  clung.  It  was  a  small  branch,  and  made 
a  pole  about  ten  feet  long,  with  Bones  glued 
to  one  end  of  it.  The  Indians  were  now  less 
than  two  hundred  yards  away.  Taking  the 
other  end  of  the  pole  in  one  hand,  I  hurriedly 
began  to  descend.  The  jaguar  had  spied  the 
Indians,  and  stood  looking  at  them.  Their 
blood-thirsty  yells  swept  down  the  narrow 
valley  like  a  destroying  wind.  The  tiger 
screamed  back  to  them  in  a  voice  which 
drowned  their  cries  as  Niagara  might  drown 
the  ticking  of  a  lady's  watch. 

"When  six  feet  from  the  ground  I  made  a 
flying  leap  and  lit  astride  the  back  of  the 
tiger.  Swinging  my  pole  around,  I  held 
Bones  about  a  yard  in  front  of  the  beast's 
nose.  He  leaped  for  the  unhappy  dog  with 


18  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

all  the  fierceness  of  his  cruel  nature,  whetted 
as  it  was  by  hunger.  Of  course  he  did  not 
get  him,  as  I  retained  my  hold  on  the  pole 
and  my  position  on  his  hack.  Pointing 
Bones  towards  the  Indians,  I  charged  them, 
the  tiger  thinking  to  get  the  dog  at  every 
bound.  My  appearance  so  terrified  the  sav 
ages  that  they  turned  and  fled  ignominiously. 
I  chased  them  two  miles,  scattering  them 
right  and  left,  and  by  joining  my  own  cries 
with  the  yells  of  the  tiger  and  the  howls  of 
poor  Bones,  I  readily  scared  a  number  of  the 
Indians  to  death. 

"  When  the  last  one  had  disappeared,  I 
turned  the  tiger  in  a  broad  curve  by  swing 
ing  Bones  slightly  to  starboard,  and  rode  him 
to  my  ranch.  The  distance  was  twenty  miles, 
which  I  covered  in  one  hour  and  ten  minutes, 
the  optimistic  animal  thinking  that  he  would 
grasp  Bones  at  the  next  jump  for  the  whole 
way.  I  was  so  pleased  at  the  success  of  my 
experiment  that  I  kept  the  jaguar,  tarned  him, 
and  used  him  for  a  saddle-beast  during  the 
three  years  that  I  stayed  in  Montana.  I  soon 
taught  him  the  use  of  the  bit  and  the  spur, 
however,  as  the  exertion  of  holding  Bones  out 
before  him  was  too  great." 

"\Ypuld  you  advise  me  to  tell  my  friend 


JONKS   PLACKS   BONKS    IN    AN    AWKWARD    POSITION 


INTERESTING    MEETING    WITH    A    PANTHER       19 

this  story  ?"  asked  Jackson  Peters,  after  Jones 
had  been  silent  a  moment. 

"  No,  sir,  I  would  not,"  answered  Jones, 
decisively.  "Evidently  your  friend  has  no 
appreciation  of  an  artistic  tiger-story.  Tell 
him  that  story  of  your  own  about  the  uncle 
of  yours  who  was  ridden  on  a  rail  by  dis 
criminating  fellow  -  townsmen  till  he  got  to 
like  it,  and  indignantly  tore  off  a  cushion  put 
on  the  rail  by  some  kind-hearted  ladies.  That 
ought  to  just  about  fit  your  friend's  calibre." 


IV 

THE    KISE    AND    FALL     OF    JONES    CITY 

"  THAT  was  a  good  elephant  story,"  briefly 
observed  Robinson. 

"Thank  you,"  returned  Jones.  "As  I 
have  remarked  so  many  times  before,  I  sim 
ply  related  the  facts.  Of  course  Jackson 
will  pretend  that  he  does  not  believe  it.  In 
stead  of  treasuring  up  such  things  for  use  in 
the  future,  he  rejects  them,  and  thus  misses 
golden  opportunities  to  improve  his  young 
mind.  He  will  Bee  his  mistake  when  it  is 
too  late." 

"  How  long  did  you  stay  with  the  circus  ?" 
asked  Smith. 

"Two  years,"  answered  Jones. 

"But  what  I'd  like  to  inquire,"  broke  in 
Jackson  Peters,  with  some  earnestness,  "  is 
if  you  pretend  to  tell  us  that  you  could  take 
any  elephant  and  teach  him  to  swing  on  a 
trapeze  by  his  tail,  like  a  monkey  ?" 

"  I  don't  know  why  I  couldn't,  Jackson," 


THE    RISE    AND    FALL    OF    JONES    CITY  21 

replied  Jones.  "  I  taught  that  one,  and  he 
was  just  a  plain  Asiatic  elephant.  The 
swinging  was  comparatively  easy — the  hard 
est  part  was  to  teach  him  to  twist  his  tail 
about  the  bar  and  raise  himself  up.  He 
would  have  been  performing  yet  if  that  rival 
showman  hadn't  greased  the  second  trapeze- 
bar,  so  that  his  tail  slipped  and  unwound  in 
making  his  final  $10,000  -  challenge  flying 
leap.  After  that  I  went  out  to  Dakota  and 
began  in  the  real-estate  business  by  founding 
Jones  City,  and  making  it  the  capital  of 
Tumble  Weed  County." 

Jackson  Peters  did  not  seem  to  be  wholly 
satisfied.  "  Perhaps  the  bears  out  there 
swung  from  branch  to  branch  by  their  tails," 
he  suggested,  in  a  tone  of  fine  sarcasm. 

"Impossible,"  answered  Jones.  "It  was 
a  prairie  country,  so  there  were  no  trees,  and 
consequently  no  bears.  Besides,  bears  have 
no  tails.  You  show  a  lamentable  ignorance 
of  both  geography  and  natural  history.  It 
was  while  at  Jones  City  that  I  patented  my 
Dakota  pumpkin  anchor.  Before  that  it  was 
impossible,  as  you  doubtless  know,  to  raise 
this  nutritious  vegetable  in  the  territory." 

"No,  I  didn't  know  it,"  returned  Jackson 
Peters.  "  Why  was  it  impossible  ?" 


22  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

"  The  vines  grew  so  fast  that  the$  wore 
the  pumpkins  all  out  dragging  them  along 
the  ground.  I  sold  my  patent  for  $5000, 
and  used  the  money  in  booming  Jones  City. 
I  built  two  churches  and  a  theatre,  and 
started  a  daily  newspaper — the  Jones  City 
Volcanic  Eruption.  But  it  was  a  severe 
blow  to  the  town  when  it  lost  the  county- 
seat.  At  that  time — it  was  ten  years  ago 

the  Dakota  court-houses  were  kept  on  wheels, 
I  may  almost  say.  One  afternoon  a  party  of 
men  from  Jumpersburg  crept  up,  hitched  six 
mules  on  my  court-house,  and  trotted  away 
with  it  to  their  own  town. 

"  But  I  was  not  discouraged,  and  deter 
mined  on  the  boldest  stroke  ever  attempted 
in  the  territory.  It  was  nothing  more  nor 
less  than  to  bring  the  Capitol  building  down 
from  Bismarck  and  put  it  in  the  place  of  my 
court-house,  thus  making  Jones  City  the 
capital  of  the  territory.  Fearing  that  the 
old  territorial  officers  might  not  come,  I 
hired  a  new  set  of  officials,  including  a  gov 
ernor,  auditor,  judges,  attorney-general,  and 
so  forth,  choosing  them  mostly  from  my  old 
county  officers,  who  had  been  left  behind. 
Borrowing  the  court-house  wheels  from  Jay 
Bird  County,  I  took  my  territorial  officers, 


THE    RISE    AND    FALL    OF    JONES    CITY  23 

fifty  leading  citizens,  and  ten  spans  of  mules, 
and  proceeded  to  Bismarck.  Under  cover 
of  darkness  we  adjusted  the  wheels  and 
hitched  on  the  mules.  Most  of  my  officials 
took  their  places  in  the  several  rooms,  and  as 
the  level  rays  of  the  rising  sun  shot  athwart 
the  great  broad  plain,  carpeting  it  with  cloth 
of  gold,  and  waking  the  song-birds  to  mel 
ody  and  the  wild  flowers  to  prodigality  of 
fragrance,  I  touched  up  the  wheel  mules 
from  the  front  portico,  and  we  rolled  away 
out  of  town,  with  my  governor  on  the  roof 
blowing  a  tin  horn,  and  my  superintendent  of 
schools,  a  very  conservative  man,  on  top  of 
the  chimney  firing  his  revolver  into  the  air 
and  singing  'Hail  Columbia.'  It  was  a 
noble  scene,  and  one  which  lives  in  my  mem 
ory,  but  the  effort  was  a  failure.  Gentle 
men,  I  left  Dakota  without  a  cent  in  the 
world." 

Jones  rested  his  cheek  in  his  hand  and 
looked  at  the  floor. 

"  But  tell  us  what  was  the  difficulty,"  said 
Robinson. 

"  Yes,  it  is  no  more  than  right  that  you 
should  know.  When  we  were  about  ten 
miles  out  my  attorney -general  came  to  me 
and  raised  a  point  of  law.  It  was  this:  That 


24  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

Jones  City  would  not  become  the  legal  cap 
ital  of  the  territory  unless  we  had  the  cellar 
which  belonged  under  the  Capitol  building. 
I  gave  the  reins  to  my  territorial  secretary, 
and  directed  the  attorney -general  instantly 
to  bring  a  test  case  before  the  District  Court, 
then  sitting  in  its  chambers  on  the  first  floor. 
It  decided  that  he  was  right.  Then,  as  we 
rattled  along  across  the  prairie,  I  appealed 
the  case  to  the  Supreme  Court,  on  the  second 
floor.  It  confirmed  the  decision  of  the  lower 
court.  I  instantly  stopped,  unhitched  the 
mules,  and  went  back  for  the  cellar.  We 
were  arrested  at  Bismarck,  with  the  aid  of 
troops  from  Fort  A.  Lincoln,  for,  of  all  things, 
abduction.  It  appeared  that  the  beggarly 
janitor  of  the  Capitol  was  hidden  in  his  room 
in  the  attic,  and  that  we  had  kidnapped  the 
scoundrel  without  knowing  it.  We  got  off 
at  the  trial,  but  it  cost  me  every  cent  I  had. 
To-day  the  antiquarian  who  searches  for 
Jones  City  finds  only  the  spreading,  trackless 
plain,  with  the  June  roses  looking  up  saucily 
for  the  warm  kisses  of  the  sun,  and  a  sea  of 
prairie-lilies  billowing  itself  in  long  rolling 
waves  under  the  bold  caresses  of  the  ardent 
wind." 

No  one  spoke  when  Jones  stopped,  but  all 


JONES  HELPS   MAKE    GEOGRAPHY 


THE    RISE    AND    FALL    OF    JONES    CITY  25 

looked  at  Jackson  Peters.  His  eyes  were 
closed  as  if  in  sleep,  but  there  was  a  nervous, 
half-painful  expression  on  his  face,  and  even 
the  waiter,  when  he  came  in,  knew  that  he 
was  not  asleep. 


V 

RAPID    HIDING  AT    GETTYSBURG 

"  You  seem  to  have  been  very  fond  of  fast 
travelling  all  your  life,"  encouragingly  re 
marked  Robinson,  as  Jones  finished  a  some 
what  stiif  narrative  of  having  had  his  coat 
tails  caught  on  the  rear  platform  of  the  Chi 
cago  limited  as  it  passed  through  Dunkirk, 
and  of  flying  behind  from  there  to  Toledo. 

"Of  what  other  rapid  travelling  did  I  ever 
tell  ?"  inquired  Jones. 

"Well,  there  was  the  time  you  rode  your 
hen -farm  down  Pike's  Peak,  the  turn  you 
took  on  the  Montana  jaguar,  and  the  trip  you 
enjoyed  in  your  cyclone  cottage,  not  to  men 
tion  when  you  stopped  the  balloon  by  taking 
hold  of  the  drag -rope,  and  went  across  the 
country,  putting  down  one  foot  here  and  the 
other  from  a  quarter  to  a  half  mile  farther 
on." 

Jones  smiled  complacently,  and  flicked  the 
ashes  off  his  cigar.  The  rehearsal  of  his  enor- 


RAPID    RIDING    AT    GETTYSBURG  27 

mities  appeared  rather  to  please  him  than  oth 
erwise.  Then  his  eye  fell  on  Jackson  Peters, 
who  seemed  to  be  meditating  treasonable  sar 
casm.  He  arched  his  eyebrows,  and  said  to 
him  : 

"  Still,  I  dare  say  that  on  none  of  those 
occasions  did  I  go  so  fast  as  did  my  young 
friend  Jackson  on  that  night  when  he  ran 
twenty  blocks  while  returning  from  a  late 
club  dinner,  having  mistaken  a  fire -fly  for 
the  head  -  light  of  a  locomotive  which  had 
jumped  the  track  and  was  chasing  him  with 
murder  in  its  iron  heart." 

Peters  smiled  weakly  but  made  no  reply, 
though  it  was  the  first  he  had  ever  heard  of 
the  incident.  But  after  a  moment  he  said  : 

"I  was  just  reading  of  a  young  man  who 
recently  got  married  and  bought  five  dollars' 
worth  of  merry-go-round  tickets  and  rode 
them  out  with  his  bride  for  a  wedding- 
tour." 

"  Not  a  bad  idea,"  observed  Jones.  "  He 
didn't  have  the  humiliating  experience  of  at 
tempting  to  deceive  a  hotel  clerk  by  trying 
to  register  'and  wife'  for  the  first  time  like 
a  man  who  had  been  married  ten  years,  and 
having  the  eagle-eyed  fellow  call  a  boy  and 
direct  him  in  a  distinct  voice  to  'brush  the 


28  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

rice  off  the  gentleman's  hat-brim  and  show 
him  up  to  the  bridal-chamber.' 

"Now  that  the  subject  of  rapid  transit  has 
come  up,  if  you  gentlemen  will  pardon  me  I 
will  tell  you  of  my*  fastest  experience  in  that 
line.  I  was,  as  you  must  remember,  a  cap 
tain  in  the  Sixteenth  Minnesota  Cavalry  dur 
ing  the  late  war." 

"  Why  do  you  never  use  your  title  ?"  asked 
Smith. 

"For  the  first  few  years  after  I  came  out 
of  the  army  I  was  always  called  *  Captain.' 
I  was  living  in  Illinois  at  that  time.  I  moved 
to  Iowa,  and  the  people  there  called  me  'Ma 
jor.'  I  then  went  on  to  Nebraska,  and  they 
called  me  'Colonel.'  I  made  another  move 
to  Colorado,  and  found  myself  referred  to  as 
'  General.'  I  saw  that  promotion  depended 
simply  on  moving  West,  and  decided  that  it 
was  beneath  a  man  of  parts,  and  have  always 
since  asked  my  friends  to  refrain  from  calling 
me  by  anything  but  my  name. 

"As  I  started  to  say,  it  was  at  the  battle 
of  Gettysburg.  The  Sixteenth  Minnesota 
played  an- important  part,  We  were  exposed 
to  a  severe  fire,  and  after  several  hot  charges 
I  found  that  every  officer  above  me  had  been 
killed.  I  instantly  put  myself  at  the  head  of 


RAPID    RIDING    AT    GETTYSBURG  29 

the  troop,  and  determined  to  break  the  ene 
my's  centre,  two  miles  away  across  the  val 
ley.  We  were  in  front  of  a  battery  of  heavy 
New  York  artillery,  which  was  stationed  on 
a  ridge  above  us  and  was  firing  over  our 
heads.  Calling  my  men  about  me,  I  told 
them  that  I  proposed  to  smash  the  enemy's 
centre  or  die  in  the  attempt.  They  were  wild 
to  have  me  lead  them  to  victory.  I  waved 
my  sword,  with  some  laconic  remarks,  which, 
had  they  been  my  last  words,  would  have 
gone  thundering  down  the  corridors  of  time, 
inspiring  soldiers  yet  unborn,  and  we  were 
off.  We  were  superbly  mounted,  and  rode 
like  the  wind.  I  clapped  spurs  to  my  horse, 
and  dashed  down  a  little  declivity,  certainly 
faster  than  I  had  ever  ridden  before.  Sud 
denly  my  horse  plunged  a  forward  foot  into 
a  hole  in  the  ground,  and  went  down  like  a 
flash.  My  momentum  was  so  terrific  that  I 
rose  from  the  saddle  and  shot  forward.  I 
did  not  strike  the  ground,  as  I  expected,  but 
instantly  felt  myself  riding  on  even  more 
rapidly  than  before.  The  noble  animal  had 
risen  under  me,  apparently,  and  was  carrying 
me  on  to  victory  faster  than  ever.  Still,  I 
was  not  going  fast  enough  to  satisfy  me.  I 
waved  my  sword,  shouted  to  my  men,  and 


30  'THE    ADVEXTTHES    OF    JONES 

again  applied  the  spurs  furiously.  What  was 
my  surprise  when  my  heels  dashed  together  ! 
I  looked  down,  gentlemen,  and  was  durn? 
founded  to  find  myself  astride  a  twelve -inch 
conical  shell  from  the  New  York  battery,  and 
riding  it  across  the  valley  for  the  enemy's 
centre,  thirty  feet  from  the  ground. 

"My  first  thought  was  to  dismount,  but  I 
could  not  disappoint  my  gallant  men.  I  knew 
they  were  coming.  Once  more  I  waved  my 
sword,  and  again  I  shouted.  The  speed  was 
awful.  The  air  cut  my  face  like  knife-points. 
The  shell  was  two  feet  long,  and  gave  me  a 
good  seat,  but  I  held  on  with  difficulty.  Sud 
denly  I  noticed  a  lighted  fuse  projecting  from 
near  the  front  end  of  the  shell.  I  dared  not 
let  go  with  either  hand,  but  I  was  not  ready 
to  become  a  nebulous  bit  of  star  dust.  There 
was  but  one  thing  to  do.  I  leaned  over,  pulled 
out  the  fuse  with  my  teeth,  and  began  smok 
ing  it  like  a  cigarette.  A  dozen  yards  before 
the  shell  struck  the  ground  I  dismounted.  It 
tore  on  through  the  ranks  of  the  enemy,  and  I 
shouted,  ran  forward,  and  began  laying  about 
with  my  sword.  I  held  my  own  for  five  min 
utes,  when  rny  men  came  up,  and  we  cut  the 
line  to  pieces  and  won  the  battle." 

Robinson  seemed  to  be  the  only  hearer  left 


RAPID    RIDING    AT    GETTYSBURG  31 

with  the  power  of  speech.  "  You  must  have 
been  highly  commended  for  your  action,"  he 
said. 

"The  newspapers  spoke  favorably  of  it, 
yes  ;  but  I  came  near  getting  court-martialed 
for  pulling  the  fuse  out  of  the  shell,  thus  im 
pairing  its  efficiency.  It  was  expensive  for 
me  financially,  too,  as  I  acquired  the  habit  of 
smoking  fuse  in  place  of  cigars,  and  it  cost 
me  ten  dollars  a  week  for  the  stuff  till  I  was 
mustered  out." 


VI 

IIOG-RATSIXG    IX   THE    BLACK    BELT 

JACKSOX  PETERS  had  just  observed  that  a 
friend  from  the  South  was  visiting  him. 

"  Indeed  ?"  was  Jones's  comment.  "  Well, 
don't  tell  him  any  of  your  impossible  stories, 
or  he'll  never  visit  you  again.  How  do  you 
think  that  soulful  symphony  of  yours  about 
the  Idaho  young  lady  you  used  to  know,  who 
killed  the  mountain  lion,  twisted  off  his  agile 
tail  and  wore  it  for  a  boa,  would  impress  a 
personal  friend  ?" 

"  That  is  one  of  your  own  stories,  Jones," 
returned  Peters,  stoutly. 

"  Originally,  of  course;  all  of  your  stories, 
Jackson,  were  once  mine.  But  I  long  ago 
foreswore  such  crass,  open-faced  romances. 
If  I  can't  tell  an  artistic  story  now,  I  keep 
still.  By-the-way,  speaking  of  the  South, 
did  I  ever  relate  my  experience  at  hog-rais 
ing  in  the  Black  Belt  ?" 

Jackson  Peters  was  inclined  to  think  that 
he  had,  but  Smith  said,  "  No." 


IIOG-RAISIKG    IN    THE    BLACK    BELT  33 

"  I  thought  not,"  replied  Jones,  as  lie 
looked  at  Smith  complacently.  "  I  seldom 
repeat  myself.  The  recollection,  Jackson, 
which  is  galloping  through  the  reaches  of 
your  mind  is  of  my  experience  in  Ohio  at 
crossing  the  common  honey-bee  with  the  fire 
fly,  and  getting  a  bee  which  could  work  all 
night.  You  should  strive  not  to  allow  your 
memories  to  become  confused. 

"I  went  down  into  the  Black  Belt  shortly 
after  the  war,  when  it  was  a  good  deal  blacker 
than  it  is  now.  It  was  in  central  Alabama. 
The  niggers,  gentlemen,  were  so  thick  that  they 
actually  darkened  the  landscape.  The  whole 
region  was  gloomy  with  Africans.  It  seemed 
like  a  partial  eclipse  of  the  sun  all  the  while. 
I  had  a  plan  at  one  time  to  set  up  reflectors 
about,  here  and  there,  to  lighten  up  things  a 
little,  but  I  never  carried  it  out.  I  said  that 
I  engaged  in  hog-raising.  I  did,  but  I  did 
not  grow  the  native  razor-back  variety.  You 
know  the  old  Southern  excuse  for  this  style 
of  swine — that  it  doesn't  pay  to  raise  a  hog 
that  can't  run  faster  than  a  nigger.  Still,  I 
determined  to  grow  the  obese  style  of  pork 
er  which  we  see  in  the  fashion  plates  of 
the  agricultural  papers."  Jones  paused  and 
puffed  reflectively  at  his  cigar. 


JU  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

"  Makes  me  think  of  an  experience  an 
uncle  of  mine  had  in  Georgia,"  said  Jackson 
Peters.  "Raising  chickens — chickens  disap 
peared  every  night,  lie  rigged  up  an  arti 
ficial  explosive  pullet  on  the  principle  of  a 
torpedo,  and  set  it  on  the  ground  near  his 
hen-house.  After  that  neighboring  negroes 
disappeared  every  night.  Ran  on  until  final 
ly  the  pastor  of  the  African  Methodist  church 
mysteriously  dropped  out  of  sight,  and  then 
the  government — " 

"Jackson,"  broke  in  Jones,  solemnly,  "who 
was  telling  a  Black  Belt  story — you  or  I  ? 
As  I  was  saying,  gentlemen,  I  determined  to 
raise  portly,  short-legged  hogs.  I  knew  what 
I  had  to  contend  with.  I  owned  at  that  time 
a  fine  full-blooded  bull -dog  named  the 
Whited  Sepulchre.  He  was  a  very  intelli 
gent  beast,  and  game.  I  sent  to  Newr  Or 
leans  and  had  made  a  rubber  hog — that  is,  a 
rubber  bag  which,  when  inflated,  had  the  ex 
act  outlines  of  one  of  my  fine  swine.  It 
was  light,  strong,  and  pliable.  I  put  this  on 
my  dog  precisely  as  a  diver  puts  on  his  suit. 
I  allowed  the  animal's  feet,  nose,  and  eyes 
to  remain  on  the  outside  ;  and  then  I  blew 
up  this  artificial  skin  with  a  small  bellows. 
It  transformed  him  into  a  very  presentable 


JONES    INSPECTS    THE    IMPROVED    WHITKD    SEPULCHRE 


HOG-RAISING    IN    THE    BLACK    BELT  35 

half-grown  blooded  pig.  A  farmer  or  stock- 
raiser  could  no  doubt  have  distinguished  him 
from  the  genuine  article,  but  I  believe  that 
he  would  have  deceived  the  editor  of  an 
agricultural  paper.  I  then  trained  him  to 
stay  with  my  swine,  but  not  to  run  off  with 
them  when  they  were  frightened.  In  fact, 
intelligent  as  the  beast  was,  I  doubt  if  I  could 
have  taught  him  to  run  from  anything.  The 
chapter  on  'The  Retreat'  seemed  to  have  been 
lost  from  that  dog's  book  of  military  tactics. 
"  The  first  evening  I  had  my  hogs  turned 
out  in  the  pasture  in  charge  of  my  inflated 
dog  I  determined  to  watch  the  proceedings. 
The  swine  were  busily  engaged  in  hunting 
for  pecan-nuts,  when  a  friend  and  brother  in 
the  guise  of  a  large  colored  person  with  a 
fondness  for  fresh  pork  emerged  from  some 
neighboring  brush.  Instinct  seemed  to  teach 
all  of  those  hogs  except  one  to  make  off  as 
fast  as  their  short  and  largely  ornamental 
legs  would  carry  them.  The  dark  voter 
came  up  rapidly,  and  started  to  fall  upon  this 
loitering  swine.  Gentlemen,  I  was  myself 
startled  to  see  that  hog  rear  on  his  hind-legs, 
utter  a  deep,  blood-curdling  bark,  arid  leap 
for  the  throat  of  the  gentleman  from  Africa. 
He  just  missed,  and  the  nigger  turned  and 


30  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

ran  as  I  never  saw  another  free  American 
citizen  run  before  or  since.  The  Whited 
Sepulchre  kept  close  behind,  giving  vent  to 
hollow  barks.  They  crashed  away  through 
the  underbrush  and  were  lost  to  sight.  In 
a  half-hour  the  dog  returned,  and  I  was 
alarmed  to  see  a  calm  expression  of  satisfac 
tion  in  his  eye  which  made  me  fear  the  worst. 
However,  I  conducted  my  hog  plantation  for 
two  years  and  never  missed  a  hog.  I  cleared 
$30,000,  but  lost  it  all  the  next  year  on  a 
pop-corn  farm  in  Kentucky." 

Jones  paused,  leaned  back  in  his  chair,  and 
looked  at  the  floor  thoughtfully.  Jackson 
Peters  gave  a  little  sniff  and  said  : 

"Jones,  this  is  unworthy  of  you.  This 
silence  is  but  a  flimsy  pretext  to  make  us  ask 
you  how  it  happened." 

"As  usual,  Jackson,  you're  mistaken.  It 
is  a  matter  of  public  record  in  the  Reports 
of  the  Agricultural  Department  that  tramps 
fired  my  barn  where  I  had  my  crop  stored. 
Of  course  the  corn  popped,  and  there  being 
several  thousand  bushels  of  it,  it  foamed  all 
over  the  township  to  the  average  depth  of  ten 
feet.  I  was  sued  on  all  sides  for  heavy  dam 
ages,  and  came  out,  gentlemen,  with  only 
two  thousand  dollars  in  the  world." 


VII 

THE  PARALYZER  AND  CONSERVATOR 

THE  waiter  had  withdrawn,  after  prinking 
out  the  last  imaginary  wrinkle  in  the  cloth 
with  the  ends  of  his  fingers,  and  the  cigars 
of  the  four  men  around  the  table  were  well 
started ;  but  the  usual  conversational  flow 
did  not  begin.  Peters  was  commencing  to 
show  signs  of  nervousness.  It  was  a  rainy 
night  outside,  and  the  rounded  backs  of  the 
pavement  stones  were  clean  and  shining  un 
der  the  lights.  A  cab  rattled  by,  and  Peters 
grasped  at  the  incident  eagerly. 

"I  wonder,"  he  said,  in  an  earnest  tone, 
"  why  a  cab  makes  twice  as  much  noise  on  a 
rainy  night  as  it  does  on  a  dry  one  ?" 

"  Would  not  your  question  come  more 
properly  before  the  National  Academy  of 
Sciences  ?"  inquired  Robinson. 

"  Or  why  not  bring  the  subject  to  the  at 
tention  of  the  public  in  a  Letter  to  the  Editor 
in  the  New  York  Tribune  or  the  Evening 


38  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

Post,  and  sign  yourself  'Old  Subscriber'  or 
'Pro  Bono  Publico'  ?"  asked  Smith. 

"Speaking  of  driving,"  went  on  Peters,  not 
seeming  to  hear — "  speaking  of  driving — " 

"Jackson,  Jackson,"  broke  in  Jones,  gen 
tly,  "nobody  said  a  word  about — " 

"  Speaking  of  driving,"  insisted  Peters,with 
unwonted  firmness,  "I  just  read  a  new  story 
about  the  late  William  R.  Travers.  He  was 
one  day  riding  on  the  box-seat  of  a  six-horse 
Western  stage.  The  driver  was  extremely 
drunk,  and  finally  dropped  one  of  the  lines, 
and  the  horses  began  to  run  away.  The  fel 
low  leaned  over  and  fumbled  about  for  a  min 
ute  or  so,  trying  to  recover  the  rein,  when 
Travers  suddenly  said,  'L-l-let  it  go,  you 
d-darn'  fool  ;  you've  g-g-g-got  more'n  you 
can  handle  now !" 

"  Very  good,"  said  Robinson.  "  Brings  to 
my  mind  the  practice  which  obtains  among 
English  country -gentlemen  when  hiring  a 
new  coachman.  They  do  not  ask,  on  such 
occasions,  '  Do  you  drink  ?'  but,  *  Can  you 
drive  when  you  are  drunk?'" 

"  Clever  idea,"  assented  Jones.  "  While 
the  subject  of  stopping  runaway  horses  is  up, 
I  might  say  that  I  have  looked  into  the  mat 
ter  considerably  myself.  When  I  lived  at 


THE  PARALYZER  AND  CONSERVATOR     39 

Fostoria,  Ohio,  I  owned  the  worst  runaway 
horse  in  the  State.  Driving  him  consisted 
simply  of  clinging  to  your  seat  and  letting 
him  run  till  he  was  tired.  I  tried  the  Gris- 
wold  Horse-controller,  and  it  worked  well. 
As  you  may  know,  this  consists  of  a  stout 
perpendicular  timber  back  of  the  seat,  with 
a  horizontal  beam  extending  out  over  the 
horse,  precisely  like  an  old-time  gibbet.  It 
is  fitted  with  tackle,  which  is  connected  with 
a  stout  canvas  or  leather  band  which  goes 
around  the  horse's  middle.  When  the  ani 
mal  begins  to  run,  you  pull  on  the  rope  and 
raise  him  about  eighteen  inches  from  the 
ground.  When  I  pulled  up  my  horse,  which 
was  named  Sir  Landslide,  after  he  was  well 
started,  his  legs  would  continue  fanning  the 
air  so  rapidly  that  it  was  impossible  to  fol 
low  the  movements  with  the  eye.  It  would 
often  take  him  ten  or  fifteen  minutes  to 
run  down,  such  was  his  terrific  momen 
tum." 

"I've  heard  of  that  thing,"  interposed 
Jackson  Peters.  "And  the  other  day  I  read 
of  some  sort  of  an  affair  called  the  Tulking- 
horn  Runaway -preventer.  It  is  connected 
with  the  bit  in  some  way.  A  young  man  at 
Lansing,  Michigan,  tried  one  while  taking  his 


40  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

girl  out  riding.  They  had  to  ford  a  consid 
erable  stream,  and  the  Preventer  went  off  in 
some  way  while  they  were  in  the  middle  of  it, 
and  they  had  to  sit  there  three  hours  before 
they  were  rescued.  And  now  the  girl's  moth 
er  accuses  the  young  man  of  letting  the  thing 
off  on  purpose,  and  there  is  a  good  prospect 
that  he  will  lose  the  girl." 

"  When  you  are  quite  done  with  this  kin 
dergarten  business,"  said  Jones,  "  I  will  tell 
of  the  Centennial  Runaway  Paralyzer  and 
Conservator  of  Force.  It  was  a  little  inven 
tion  of  my  own  for  use  in  connection  with  Sir 
Landslide.  The  Griswold  Controller  worked 
well,  but  I  saw  a  loss  of  force  which  annoyed 
me,  as  I  did  when  I  conceived  my  tramp  and 
cat  motors,  and  my  Morning-Star  Milker,  op 
erated  by  the  motion  of  the  cow's  jaw  in 
chewing  her  cud.  In  the  Centennial  Para 
lyzer  and  Conservator  I  had  recourse  to  a 
dynamo  and  storage  battery  under  the  car 
riage  seat.  Beneath  the  carriage  and  near 
the  ground  I  swung  a  tread- mill  track  which 
could  be  extended  out  in  front  like  the  gang 
plank  of  a  steamboat.  Hitching  up  Sir  Land 
slide,  I  would  start  out  as  usual.  At  the  sight 
of  the  first  telegraph  pole,  baby-perambulator, 
umbrella,  or  other  object  which  in  his  judg- 


JONES   TAKES   THE    AIR   OF   A    MORNING 


THE  PARALYZER  AND  CONSERVATOR     41 

ment  furnished  a  sufficient  excuse  for  run 
ning,  be  would  start. 

"  When  he  had  got  well  going  I  would  push 
forward  the  track  under  his  feet,  and  he  would 
find  himself  standing  still,  though  running 
with  all  the  fierceness  of  his  vicious  nature. 
My  dynamo,  propelled  by  the  flying  track 
under  the  feet  of  Sir  Landslide,  would  revolve 
with  lightning-like  rapidity,  and  I  would  di 
vert  a  part  of  the  force  to  propelling  the  car 
riage,  and  would  jog  along  at  the  rate  of  six 
miles  an  hour  with  my  horse  going  at  the  rate 
of  twenty-five.  The  noise  of  the  machinery 
excited  him  a  good  deal,  and  he  would  often 
run  for  two  hours,  leaving  me  with  enough  pow 
er  in  my  storage  battery  to  propel  my  carriage 
for  a  week.  People  used  to  come  for  miles  to 
see  me  make  a  quiet  morning  drive  with  Sir 
Landslide  and  theParalyzer  and  Conservator." 

"  Why  did  you  never  put  your  great  in 
vention  on  the  market  ?"  asked  Peters. 

"  Too  many  other  interests,  Jackson.  But 
I  got  it  patented,  and  if  you  would  care  for 
it  I'll  make  you  a  present  of  the  patent,  and 
you  can  begin  the  manufacture  of  the  appa 
ratus  along  with  that  of  your  own  ingenious 
pneumatic  galoches  for  cab-horses,  so  they 
won't  make  so  much  noise  rainy  nights." 


VIII 

TERRIBLE    ENCOUNTER   WITH    WOLVES 

"  SPEAKING,"  said  Jackson  Peters,  "  of  the 
ingenuity  of  man — I  just  spoke  of  it  my 
self,"  he  explained  hastily,  as  he  eyed  Jones; 
"  speaking  of — " 

"  Pardon  me,  Jackson;  one  moment,  please, 
before  we  listen  to  your  fascinating  narra 
tive,"  broke  in  Jones,  with  great  suavit}r. 
"It  occurs  to  me  that  you  may  be  a  descend 
ant  of  that  historic  man  who  had  but  one 
story,  a  long  gun  story.  You  remember  he 
used  to  bring  his  fist  down  on  the  table  after 
dinner  with  a  terrific  bang,  and  then  remark: 
4 1  declare,  sounds  like  a  gun,  doesn't  it?  Oh, 
by-the-way,  speaking  of  guns,'  and  then  he 
would  reel  off  his  gun  story  for  the  next 
thirty  minutes.  Father's  or  mother's  side, 
Jackson  ?" 

"You  are  in  uncommonly  high  spirits, 
Jones,"  replied  Jackson  Peters.  "  Perhaps 
we  are  to  be  favored  to-night  with  the  exact 


TERRIBLE    ENCOUNTER    WITH    WOLVES  43 

facts  in  regard  to  your  encounter  with  the 
blue-racer,  having  taken  a  month  since  you 
promised  it  to  construct  them.  My  reference 
to  the  ingenuity  of  man  was  legitimate,  and 
was  prompted  by  the  subtlety  of  the  waiter 
in  whisking  away  an  imaginary  fly  with  his 
napkin  in  the  hope  of  augmenting  his  tip. 
From  that  I  was  about  to  tell  of  a  Texas 
horse-thief  I  had  just  read  of,  who  ten  years 
ago  had  the  operation  of  tracheotomy  per 
formed  on  himself,  and  a  silver  tube  inserted 
through  which  he  could  breathe.  He  has 
been  lynched  twenty-three  times  since  that, 
but  as  the  rope  always  comes  above  the 
tube—" 

The  young  man  was  interrupted  by  a 
cheery  laugh  from  Jones.  "  Really,"  broke 
in  that  individual,  "  that  was  an  ingenious 
idea.  Do  you  know,  Jackson,  I  believe  you 
come  of  a  clever  family." 

"Thank  you,  Jones." 

"Extraordinarily  clever  family.  I  knew 
as  soon  as  I  gathered  that  the  fellow  was 
another  uncle  of  yours  that  he'd  do  some 
thing  bright,  but  I  was  hardly  prepared  for 
this.  Friends  have  in  the  past  been  so  kind 
as  to  say  that  I  am  myself  ingenious  in  get 
ting  out  of  difficulty,  but  I  never  rose  to  any- 


44  TMK     ADVENTURES    OF    JOXKS 

thing  like  that.  I  remember  a  little  brush  I 
had  with  wolves  in  Northern  Wisconsin  be 
fore  the  war.  The  wolves  there  were  of  the 
large,  timber  variety,  and,  it  being  a  hard  win 
ter,  they  were  constantly  hungry." 

"But,  Jones,"  interposed  Robinson,  "some 
body  mentioned  the  blue-racer  story?" 

"Not  to-night,  Robinson;  not  to-night.  I 
have  got  to  look  up  certain  facts  and  figures 
which  I  noted  in  my  diary  at  the  time  before 
I  can  trust  myself  with  that.  There  are  al 
ways  temptations  in  a  blue-racer  story  which 
I  must  guard  against.  Those  wolves,  I  repeat, 
seemed  always  to  have  a  gnawing  sensation 
in  the  stomach.  They  were  fierce  and  dan 
gerous,  and  would  readily  attack  a  man  even 
when  there  were  no  more  than  two  or  three 
of  them  together.  One  day  in  January  I 
was  going  from  Ojibway  City  to  Porn  me  de 
Terre  River  on  foot,  accompanied  only  by  my 
dog,  which  was  named  Bones,  from  his  fond 
ness  for  this  article  of  diet.  He  was  a  good 
dog,  but  he  had  read  somewhere  that  discre 
tion  is  the  better  part  of  valor.  Bones  was 
not  a  dog  that  would  ever  go  about  the  coun 
try  asking  folks  in  his  poor  dumb  way  where 
he  could  probably  find  a  large  pack  of  wolves. 
If  a  wolf  ever  succeeded  in  meeting  Bones  he 


TERRIBLE    ENCOUNTER    WITH    WOLVES  45 

had  to  bring  good  letters  of  introduction  from 
mutual  friends. 

"  When  about  fifteen  miles  from  Pomme 
de  Terre  I  noticed  that  Bones  was  becoming 
uneasy.  Five  minutes  later  I  observed  that 
he  was  wearing  the  hair  on  his  back  pompa 
dour.  I  suspected  wolves,  and  I  was  right. 
They  soon  came  up,  not  fifty  yards  behind. 
There  were  at  least  one  hundred  of  them — 
large,  gaunt,  hungry,  savage  wolves.  Their 
fierce  howls  reverberated  through  the  startled 
forest  like  the  diabolical  shrieks  of  frenzied 
demons  in  torment.  I  saw  that  a  hand-to- 
hand  conflict  with  them  was  out  of  the  ques 
tion.  Flight  was  my  only  hope.  Picking 
up  Bones  by  the  nape  of  the  neck,  I  tucked 
him  under  my  arm  and  started.  For  forty 
minutes,  gentlemen,  I  ran  like  a  cat  in  a  dog 
show.  I  suppose  I  covered  ten  miles,  not 
withstanding  that  the  snow  was  deep  in  some 
places  and  that  in  others  the  underbrush  in 
terfered.  The  wolves  kept  close  behind. 
When  I  turned  my  head  I  could  feel  their 
hot,  venomous  breath  on  my  cheek.  They 
leaped  up  and  nipped  at  the  tail  of  poor 
Bones,  which  was  waving  and  tossing  behind 
on  the  terrific  wind  which  my  flight  engen 
dered,  like  the  plume  of  a  knight  of  old  going 


46  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

into  battle.  Their  howl,  weird  and  hideous 
as  the  sinking  wail  of  ten  thousand  lost  souls, 
shook  the  pine  needles  from  the  trees  and 
tore  the  nerves  of  the  unfortunate  Bones  in  a 
way  which  was  painful  to  behold.  At  the 
end  of  ten  miles  I  began  to  tire.  A  large 
spruce-tree  stood  in  my  path,  and  I  climbed 
it.  Perching  myself  on  a  lower  limb,  some 
fifty  feet  from  the  ground,  and  tying  Bones 
in  place  on  another  with  a  bit  of  string,  I 
looked  down  on  the  angry,  surging  sea  of 
wolves  below. 

"  I  felt  safe,  and  lit  my  pipe  and  gave  my 
faithful  dog  a  ham-bone  which  I  had  in  my 
pocket.  But  soon,  to  my  surprise,  the  wolves 
began  most  extraordinary  tactics.  Nothing 
less,  gentlemen,  than  gnawing  down  the  tree. 
One  hundred  sets  of  ravenous  fangs  tore  and 
bit  at  the  trunk.  I  saw  that  the  tree  could 
not  stand  half  an  hour.  I  knocked  the  ashes 
out  of  my  pipe  and  began  to  look  at  the  sit 
uation  seriously.  I  noticed  on  the  branches 
around  me  chunks  of  raw  spruce-gum  about 
the  size  of  my  fist.  Taking  my  pocket-knife, 
I  pried  one  off  and  dropped  it  to  a  wolf 
below.  He  snapped  his  jaws  together  upon 
it  with  famished  greed.  He  never  opened 
them  again,  the  resinous  mass  holding  them 


JONKS    AND    BONES    OUTWIT   THE    FEUOCIOUS    WOLVES 


TERRIBLE    ENCOUNTER    WITH    WOLVES  47 

firm  as  a  vise.  At  the  end  of  twenty  minutes 
I  had  the  jaws  of  every  wolf  welded  together 
past  all  hope  of  opening.  I  then  descended 
with  Bones,  who  now  barked  savagely  and 
attacked  the  wolves  with  great  spirit.  With 
his  assistance  I  drove  the  baffled,  helpless 
creatures  to  Pomme  de  Terre  like  a  flock  of 
sheep.  There  was  at  that  time  ten  dollars 
bounty  on  wolves.  We  rounded  them  up  in 
the  court-house  yard,  and  I  drew  a  thousand 
dollars  from  the  county  treasurer,  after  which 
I  repaired  to  the  Le  Grand  Monarque  Hotel 
and  ordered  supper,  not  forgetting  to  bespeak 
the  largest  soup-bone  in  town  for  my  trusty 
dog.  I  returned  to  Ojibway  City  the  next 
day,  but  saw  no  wolves.  That  is  all,  gentle 
men.  Pardon  the  tameness  of  my  narrative ; 
I  doubt  not  our  time  might  have  been  better 
employed." 

"  Jones,"  said  Jackson  Peters,  "  you  refused 
to  tell  us  the  blue  -  racer  story  because  you 
had  not  yet  looked  up  the  exact  facts,  did  you 
not  ?" 

"  Yes,  Jackson.     What  of  it  ?" 

"Nothing." 


IX 

THE   WILD-CAT  FRIGHTENER 

"You  remember  that  trip  I  made  out 
through  Michigan  over  a  year  ago,  doubt 
less,"  said  Jackson  Peters.  "I  never  told  you 
of  the  odd  genius  I  met  at  Pontiac,  who  was 
going  to  do  away  with  carpets  on  floors  by 
sticking  little  pieces  of  carpeting  on  the  feet 
with  mucilage." 

Jones  looked  at  the  younger  man  with  se 
verity.  "Jackson,  I  was  just  on  the  point 
of  telling  a  story  about  a  little  idea  of  my 
own  when  I  lived  in  Iowa  several  years  ago. 
Enrich  us  with  the  tale  of  your  bright  friend 
some  other  time." 

"  Yes,"  returned  Peters,  "  it  does  very  well 
for  you  to  say  that,  but  my  story  was  going 
to  be  a  true  one." 

"  Young  man,"  answered  Jones,  "  you  seem 
to  forget  that  I  am  somewhat  older  than  you." 

"  Give  us  your  story,  Jones,  give  us  your 
story,"  said  Smith,  encouragingly. 


THE    WILD-CAT    FRIGHTENER  49 

"  I  was  going  to,"  replied  Jones.  "It  was 
a  number  of  years  ago.  I  was  living  out  in 
Iowa,  near  Des  Moines.  My  place  was  on 
the  Des  Moines  River  bottom,  and  the  bluffs 
were  literally  alive  with  wild-cats.  The  wild 
cats  from  all  over  the  country  seemed  to  be 
in  the  neighborhood  that  year  holding  a  wild 
cat  World's  Fair.  I  had  a  fancy  stock  farm, 
and  between  the  resident  and  the  visiting 
wild-cats  they  played  the  very  deuce  with 
my  blooded  chickens.  I  don't  need  to  tell 
you,  gentlemen,  that  I  am  mortally  afraid  of 
a  gun." 

"Seems  to  me  that's  a  pretty  serious  ad 
mission  for  a  man  to  make  who  only  last 
night  was  telling  how,  down  in  Arkansas,  he 
used  to  spring  up  bears  with  a  four -inch 
hickory  plank  and  shoot  them  on  the  wing, 
like  clay  pigeons,"  said  Jackson  Peters. 

"An  idle  tale,  Jackson,  an  idle  tale.  A 
man  must  relax  a  little  sometimes.  As  I 
was—" 

"  But  you  offered  to  bet  fif ty  dollars 
that—" 

"  I  couldn't  shoot  those  wild-cats,  you  see, 
so  what  could  I  do?  Night  after  night  they 
walked  off  with  my  choicest  fowls.  One  day 
a  bright  idea  occurred  to  me.  It  was  noth- 


50  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

ing  more  nor  less  than  every  time  I  heard 
any  disturbance  among  the  chickens  to  put 
my  head  out  of  the  window  and  cry  out 
4  Scat !'  in  a  loud  voice." 

The  narrator  paused  and  looked  at  Jack 
son  Peters  defiantly.  But  Peters  only  blew 
a  cloud  of  smoke  ceilingward  and  raised  his 
eyebrows  slightly. 

"  That  was  a  clever  notion,"  observed  Rob 
inson.  "  Very  clever  notion.  Worthy  to 
rank  with  your  plan  for  extracting  the  latent 
energy  from  tramps." 

"  No,  Robinson,  no,"  answered  Jones,  smil 
ing,  and  evidently  much  gratified.  "  No,  you 
are  too  kind.  My  tramp  idea  showed  genius  ; 
such  things  come  to  a  man  but  once  in  his 
lifetime ;  this  was  simply  an  indication  of 
a  special  talent  for  dealing  with  wild -cats. 
Still,  if  you  would  believe  it,  my  plan  proved 
utterly  valueless  so  far  as  frightening  the  cats 
away  was  concerned.  I  *  scatted '  myself 
hoarse  every  night  for  a  week,  still  those 
wild  -  cats  went  right  on  carrying  away  my 
poultry.  But  I  felt  that  the  principle  was  a 
sound  one,  and  I  looked  about  for  the  weak 
point  in  the  application  of  it.  I  soon  found 
it.  I  was  employing  the  same  volume  of 
scat  for  wild-cats  which  is  used  in  the  case 


THE    WILD-CAT    FRIGHTENER  51 

of  tame  cats,  and  wild-cats  are  three  times 
bigger  than  tame  cats.  My  first  thought  was 
of  a  speaking-trumpet,  but  I  soon  decided 
against  it.  I  determined  to  make  a  clean 
sweep  of  the  whole  matter.  I  sent  to  Chi 
cago  and  got  an  improved  Edison  phonograph 
with  intensifying  attachment.  I  set  the  in- 
tensifier  at  the  ratio  of  three  to  one.  I  then 
shouted  a  battery  of  scats  into  the  receiver 
in  my  natural  tame -cat  driving  voice.  I 
wound  up  the  clock-work,  and  set  the  pho 
nograph  near  my  hen-house.  A  small  wire 
connected  the  clock-work  with  the  hen-house, 
so  that  a  cat  on  entering  the  door  would  set 
the  phonograph  off,  causing  it  to  speak  once. 
"I  went  to  bed,  gentlemen,  and  slept 
soundly  till  morning.  After  breakfast  my 
foreman  told  me  that  at  about  midnight, 
when  the  first  wild-cat  started  to  enter  my 
chicken-coop  to  feloniously  abstract  my  poul 
try,  that  phonograph  sort  of  cleared  its  throat 
and  remarked,  '  Scat !'  in  a  voice  which  rat 
tled  the  windows.  Gentlemen,  my  foreman 
was  a  man  in  whom  I  had  the  utmost  confi 
dence,  and  he  said  that  after  that  phonograph 
spoke  he  observed  a  long  gray  streak  of  wild 
cat  reaching  from  my  hen-house  door  to  the 
underbrush  about  two  hundred  yards  distant. 


52  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

The  same  phenomenon  was  noted  by  my  fore 
man  in  the  case  of  subsequent  cats.  I  lost  no 
more  chickens  through  the  depreciations  of 
this  obnoxious  form  of  vermin." 

Jones  paused  and  lit  his  cigar,  which  had 
gone  out.  He  blew  an  aggressive  cloud  at 
the  lamp,  elevated  his  chin,  and  looked  at 
Jackson  Peters. 

Peters  rested  his  cheek  in  his  hand  and 
seemed  thoughtful.  After  some  seconds  he 
drew  a  long  breath,  and  said : 

"Jones,  may  I  trouble  you  to  tell  us  when 
this  interesting  and  valuable  incident  took 
place  ?" 

"Certainly,  Jackson,  certainly.  In  the 
summer  of  1871." 

Peters  smiled.  Then  he  said:  "The  pho 
nograph,  Jones,  is  given  a  later  date  by  the 
more  advanced  historians  and  archaeologists. 
You  are,  Jones,  guilty  of  an  anachronism." 

"No  doubt,  Jackson,  no  doubt,"  answered 
Jones.  "  Most  men  who  tell  the  truth  are. 
I  shall  not  lie  to  avoid  an  anachronism — no, 
not  if  I  am  guilty  of  an  anachronism  with 
every  word  I  utter,  if  my  whole  life  becomes 
one  vast  anachronism.  Truth,  Jackson,  truth 
first  always.  We  will  now  listen  to  the  im 
portant  and  educational  account  of  your  un- 


THE     WILD -CAT     FKJOHT  ENKfi  V; 

cle  in  Michigan,  that  brainy  and  scholarly 
gentleman  who  propose*  to  do  away  with 
floors  by  having  everybody  wear  wooden 
shoes.  Proceed,  Jackson." 

Peters  looked  at  Jones  with  a  weary  air, 
tossed  the  stub  of  his  cigar  into  the  fire,  and 
answered  :  "  It's  of  no  importance.  Some 
future  day  will  do  as  well — a  year  from  now 
— two  years — any  time." 


X 

ACTIVE  COLORADO  REAL  ESTATE 

"WHEN  I  was  visiting  at  my  uncle's  in 
Wisconsin  last  fall,  I  went  out  to  Lake  Kin- 
nikinnic  and  caught  a  shovel-nose  sturgeon 
which  weighed  eighty-five  pounds." 

It  was  Jackson  Peters  who  spoke,  and  he 
did  it  rapidly  and  with  an  apprehensive  air, 
for  Jones  was  watching  him  closely.  As  he 
finished,  Peters  drew  a  long  breath,  and 
seemed  much  relieved  that  he  had  got 
through  the  story  without  an  interruption. 

"Eighty-five  pounds,"  mused  Jones. 

"Yes,  eighty-five  pounds  and  ten  ounces, 
to  be  exact,  but  I  called  it  eighty-five." 

"Exactness  does  not  help  your  story  in 
the  least,  Jackson,"  continued  Jones.  "You 
might  give  us  the  fractions  of  the  ounce,  and 
your  story  would  still  remain  a  crude  produc 
tion.  I  am  in  the  habit  of  speaking  plainly, 
and  I  will  do  so  now.  I  take  it  that  we  are 
to  consider  your  story  simply  as  an  exagger- 


ACTIVE    COLORADO    REAL    ESTATE  55 

ation  — that  the  fish  probably  didn't  weigli 
ten  pounds.  Simple  exaggeration,  Jackson, 
is  not  art,  and  is  unworthy  of  a  man  of  brains. 
Anybody  can  exaggerate — the  street  laborer 
as  easily  as  the  man  in  Congress.  But  artis 
tic  story- telling  is  another  thing,  and  the 
greatest  may  well  hope  for  distinction  in  it. 
Why  did  you  not,  Jackson,  tell  an  artistic  lie, 
and  say  that  when  you  pulled  your  fish  out  of 
the  water  the  level  of  the  lake  fell  two  feet?" 

Peters  moved  about  uneasily,  but  made  no 
reply. 

"You  never  tell  fish-stories,  Jones?"  ob 
served  Robinson,  in  an  inquiring  tone. 

"Seldom,  Robinson.  The  trail  of  gross 
exaggeration  is  over  them  all.  Fish  stories 
have  become  the  common  property  of  the  in 
artistic  multitude.  Of  course  I  do  not  for 
this  reason  suppress  facts  having  a  scientific 
or  commercial  value.  For  instance,  last  win 
ter  I  went  before  the  legislative  committee 
on  fisheries,  and  laid  before  it  an  account  of 
my  experience  when  I  had  a  farm  near  Oma 
ha,  on  the  Missouri  River  bottoms,  and  bait 
ed  two  miles  of  barbed-wire  fence  with  fresh 
pork  just  before  the  June  rise,  and  after  the 
water  receded  removed  thirty-eight  thousand 
four  hundred  fish  from  the  barbs,  weighing, 


50  THE    ADVENTURES    OI-"    JONES 

in  the  aggregate,  over  ninety-six  tons.  The 
Legislature  passed  a  special  vote  of  thanks 
for  the  facts." 

Jones  was  becoming  warmed  up.  "  You 
have  observed,  Robinson,"  he  went  on,  "  that 
I  seldom  relate  the  marvellous.  That  is  be 
cause  it  is  too  easy.  I  prefer  to  have  the  rep 
utation  of  telling  a  plain  tale  artistically  to 
that  of  telling  a  fabulous  one  like  a  realistic 
novelist.  That  is  the  reason  I  never  told  any 
one  of  my  experience  at  breaking  one  hun 
dred  and  sixty  acres  of  land  to  ride." 

"Tell  us,  by  all  means,  Jones,"  said  Rob 
inson. 

"Yes,  go  ahead,"  added  Smith.  Jackson 
Peters  hid  himself  behind  a  cloud  of  cigar 
smoke. 

"  It  was  an  exciting  experience,"  said  Jones, 
thoughtfully,  as  he  gazed  into  the  fire,  "and 
one  which  I  have  never  mentioned  to  any 
body,  although  it  happened  twenty  years  ago. 
There  is  nothing  so  easy  to  lose  as  a  repu 
tation  for  truthfulness.  I  have  my  own  to 
maintain.  More  men  have  lost  their  good 
names  by  telling  the  plain,  straightforward 
truth  than  by  indulging  in  judicious  lying. 
However,  I  will  venture  this  time.  It  was, 
as  I  said,  twenty  years  ago.  There  was  a 


ACTIVE    COLORADO    REAL    ESTATE  57 

great  mining  boom  in  Colorado,  and  I  closed 
my  defective-flue  factory  in  Chicago,  to  the 
intense  joy  of  the  insurance  companies,  and 
went  out.  I  saw  more  money  in  hens  than 
I  did  in  mines,  and  decided  to  start  a  hen 
ranch.  Eggs  sold  at  five  dollars  a  dozen. 
The  hen,  you  know,  requires  a  great  amount 
of  gravel  for  her  digestion,  and  she  also 
thrives  best  at  a  high  altitude ;  so  I  went 
about  two  miles  up  Pike's  Peak  and  selected 
a  quarter -section  of  land  good  for  my  pur 
pose.  There  was  gravel  in  plenty,  and  I  put 
up  a  small  house  and  turned  loose  my  three 
hundred  hens.  I  became  so  interested  in  get 
ting  settled  that  I  forgot  all  about  establish 
ing  my  right  to  the  land  before  the  United 
States  Land  Office  at  Colorado  Springs. 

"One  day  a  large,  red -headed  man  came 
along  and  erected  a  small  house  on  one  cor 
ner  of  my  ranch,  and  said  that  he  had  as 
much  right  to  the  land  as  I.  He  turned  out 
two  hundred  head  of  goats,  and  started  for 
Colorado  Springs  to  file  his  claim.  He  had 
a  good  horse, while  I  had  none.  It  was  ten 
miles  to  the  town  by  the  road,  and  only  five 
in  a  straight  line  down  the  mountain,  but 
this  five  was  impassable  on  foot  or  in  any 
other  ordinary  way.  But  I  did  not  despair. 


58  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

I  had  studied  the  formation  of  the  land,  and 
knew  what  I  could  do.  I  took  a  half-dozen 
sticks  of  giant  powder  and  went  over  to  a 
small  ridge  of  rocks  which  held  my  farm  in 
place.  I  inserted  the  powder,  gentlemen,  and 
blew  those  rocks  over  into  the  next  county. 
I  then  lay  down  on  my  back  and  clung  to  a 
root  while  I  rode  that  one  hundred  and  sixty 
acres  of  good  hen  land  down  the  mountain 
to  Colorado  Springs.  It  felt  very  much  like 
an  earthquake,  and  I  made  the  five  miles  in  a 
little  over  four  minutes.  Probably  ten  acres 
of  my  farm  around  the  edges  were  knocked 
off  along  on  the  grand  Colorado  scenery,  and 
most  of  the  goats  jolted  off,  but  the  hens,  gen 
tlemen,  clung,  the  hens  and  myself.  The  cor 
ner  of  my  front  yard  struck  the  Land  Office 
and  knocked  it  off  its  foundation.  The  reg 
ister  and  receiver  came  running  out,  and  I 
said: 

"  '  Gentlemen,  I  desire  to  make  claim  entry 
on  the  northeast  quarter  of  section  twen 
ty-seven,  township  fourteen  south,  of  range 
sixty -nine,  and  to  prevent  mistake  I  have 
brought  it  with  me.'  The  business  was  all 
finished  by  the  time  the  red-headed  man  came 
lumbering  along,  and  I  gave  him  ten  minutes 
to  get  the  rest  of  his  goats  off  mv  land.  He 


JONES    OUTKIDKS    THK    RED-HKADKn    MAN 


ACTIVE    COLORADO    REAL    ESTATE  ,r)9 

seemed  considerably  surprised,  and  looked  at 
me  curiously." 

Jackson  Peters  was  the  first  to  speak  after 
Jones  paused.  "It  is  one  of  the  saddest 
things  in  this  life,"  he  said,  "that  the  man 
who  always  adheres  to  the  exact  truth  often 
gets  the  reputation  of  being  a  liar." 

"You  are  right,  Jackson,"  said  Jones.  "  I 
know  of  nothing  sadder,  unless  it  be,  per 
haps,  to  see  a  young  man  forget  the  respect 
he  owes  his  elders.  This  life,  Jackson,  is  full 
of  sad  things."  t 


XI 

FARMING    IX    VERMONT 


A  REFERENCE  by  the  volatile  Jackson 
Peters  to  a  recent  experience  of  a  friend  of 
his  with  an  excited  bull,  which  he  met  while 
on  a  botanical  excursion,  had  awakened  a 
slight  discussion  as  to  the  best  course  to  pur 
sue  on  such  occasions.  Robinson  favored 
flight.  Smith  announced  his  adherence  to 
the  plan  of  luring  on  the  excited  animal 
with  a  red  handkerchief,  and  then  jabbing 
him  severely  in  the  side  with  his  cane  as  he 
rushed  by ;  but  the  possibility  of  the  victim 
not  always  having  a  red  handkerchief  and 
a  cane,  and  the  probability  of  his  not  being 
able  to  use  them  if  he  did  have  them,  being 
pointed  out,  Smith  attempted  gently  to  turn 
away  the  adverse  criticism  with  the* observa 
tion  that  he  once  knew  a  man  who  always 
carried  a  celluloid  ear  of  corn  in  his  pocket, 
which  he  would  toss  to  the  beast  and  escape 
while  the  guileless  creature  was  making  ef 
forts  to  masticate  it. 


FARMING    IN    VERMONT  61 

"  Why  not  carry  a  gummy,  resinous  ear, 
which  would  stick  his  jaws  together,  as  Jones 
did  those  of  the  wolves?"  asked  Jackson 
Peters,  with  renewed  interest. 

"Jackson,"  said  Jones,  now  speaking  for 
the  first  time  since  the  subject  came  up, 
"your  idea  is  very  bright,  and  would  be  ex 
tremely  useful  if  the  bull  was  given  to  biting; 
but  he  is  not.  The  common  domestic  bull, 
Jackson,  does  not  use  his  fangs  to  seize  his 
victim.  The  bull  is  not  a  carnivorous  ani 
mal.  Naturalists  do  not  class  him  as  a  beast 
of  prey.  He  does  not  range  the  forest  and 
spring  upon  the  belated  traveller. from  a  tree. 
The  spectacle  of  the  common  agricultural  bull 
bounding  away  to  his  lair  with  a  man  in  his 
jaws  would  be  new,  and  would  attract  the  at 
tention  alike  of  the  zoologist  and  of  the  De 
partment  of  Agriculture.  The  bull,  Jackson, 
even  the  trained  Veragua  bull,  prefers  to  toss 
his  subject  with  his  horns,  and  he  can  do  it  as 
well  with  his  jaws  closed  as  open.  You  have 
made  remarkable  progress,  Jackson,  but  you 
need  to  complete  your  education  with  a  short 
course  of  natural  history. 

"  Speaking  of  things  appertaining  to  the 
farm,"  Jones  continued,  "  reminds  me  that  I 
have  sometimes  done  something  in  the  agri- 


62  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

cultural  way  myself.  I  have  already  told 
you  of  my  experience  in  Vermont  at  raising 
Christmas  trees.  I  sank  the  profits  of  this, 
as  you  will  remember,  in  my  experiments  at 
crossing  the  red  willow  and  the  common 
white  birch  in 'an  effort  to  produce  natural 
barber-poles.  I  grew  some  good  poles,  but  I 
found  the  plan  too  costly  to  be  practical. 
The  sheriff  closed  me  out  and  left  me  without 
a  cent.  I  tried  the  application  of  cantharides 
and  bay-rum  to  sheep,  in  the  hope  of  being 
able  to  shear  them  four  times  a  year,  but  this 
too  proved  a  failure. 

"I  was  about  to  leave  the  State  in  disgust, 
when  my  attention  was  drawn  to  a  neighbor 
ing  tract  of  land  on  the  side  of  one  of  the 
hills  for  which  Vermont  is  noted.  There 
were  about  two  hundred  acres  in  it,  and  it 
stood  at  an  exact  angle  of  fifty  degrees.  It 
was  so  steep  that  it  had  never  been  culti 
vated,  and  I  bought  it  for  fifty  dollars.  I 
went  up  on  my  farm  some  two  hundred  feet 
with  scaling  ladders,  and  found  it  to  be  ex 
cellent  wheat  land.  I  determined  to  plough 
it  and  sow  it  to  this  kind  of  grain.  I  accord 
ingly  sent  to  Brattleboro  and  got  a  large 
brass  cannon,  used  for  Fourth-of-July  cele 
brations.  This  I  mounted  at  the  lower  edge 


..*^=«  •  5->- -*^ .__%.'.: 

JOiNES   DOES   HIS    FALL    PLOUGHING 


FARMING    IN    VERMONT  63 

of  my  farm,  loaded  it,  and  blazed  away.  The 
ball  ricochetted  and  tore  up  the  ground  like 
a  steam  gang-plough.  It  struck  the  stone 
wall  at  the  upper  edge  of  my  farm  and  rolled 
back,  smoothing  off  the  surface  considerably. 
At  the  end  of  five  days,  gentlemen,  I  had  ray 
farm  ploughed  beautifully,  at  the  expense  of 
a  few  pounds  of  powder.  Two  days  more 
sharp  and  decisive  bombarding  with  paper 
shells  charged  with  seed  grain  sowed  my 
crop,  which  I  harrowed  in  with  grape  and 
canister.  You  never  saw  wheat  grow  as  that 
did.  The  soil  was  rich,  and  I  had  the  largest 
yield  of  any  man  in  the  neighborhood."  Jones 
stopped  as  if  he  had  finished. 

Said  Robinson,  "You  harvested  it  with — " 
"  With  a  raking  fire  of  musketry,  of  course," 
interrupted  Jones.  "  There  was  no  other  prac 
tical  way.  I  sold  the  place  for  eight  thousand 
dollars  and  went  down  to  South  Carolina  and 
began  the  manufacture  of  the  Jones  Ne  Plus 
Ultra  Effervescent  Watermelon,  with  a  faucet 
in  the  stem  end,  shell  to  be  returned  to  the 
factory  for  refilling.  It  failed,  because  there 
were  no  rinds  for  sweet  pickles." 


XII 

KAPID    RISE    OF    A    DUCK    GROWER 

"EVER  since  I  wont  to  the  poultry  show," 
said  Jackson  Peters,  "  I  have  felt  interested 
in  chickens.  I  wish  I  had  some." 

"Yes,"  observed  Robinson,  "it  wouldn't 
be  a  bad  idea  for  you  to  keep  a  few  good 
fowls  in  your  room.  They  could  roost  on  the 
foot  of  your  bed,  and  you  could  make  nests 
for  the  hens  in  your  last  year's  hats  and  coop 
your  chickens  in  the  grate,  and — 

"  I  believe,  Robinson,  that  you  are  becom 
ing  almost  as  facetious  as  Jones.  You  should 
be  careful  that  the  attack  does  not  run  into  a 
low  form  of  improbable  adventures.  What  I 
want  to  do  is  to  go  out  into  the  country  and 
raise  chickens." 

"  Why  not  ducks  ?"  inquired  Jones,  in  a 
serious  and  interested  tone. 

"  Well,  they  might  be  all  right.  I  could 
get  a  place  where  there  was  plenty  of  water 
and  raise  ducks." 


RAPID    RISE    OF    A    DUCK    GROWER  65 

"Yes,  ducks  need  water;  but  I  have  a 
theory  that  it  is  best  to  go  where  there  is  no 
water  naturally,  get  it  in  some  way,  and  then 
raise  them  there." 

"Why?" 

"  More  demand  for  them  where  they  are 
scarce,  and  therefore  a  better  price,"  answered 
Jones.  "  Go  out  to  the  arid  region,  Jackson, 
to  start  your  duck  ranch." 

"  Well,  there  may  be  something  in  that," 
replied  Jackson,  much  interested.  "What 
place  would  you  recommend?" 

"  I  tried  Dakota,"  said  Jones,  softly. 

"  Oh,  you've  tried  it,  have  you  ?"  returned 
Jackson,  suspiciously,  beginning  to  catch  the 
drift  of  the  other's  remarks. 

"  Certainly,  Jackson.  I  was  just  going  to 
tell  you  about  it." 

"  Very  self-sacrificing  of  you,  I  am  sure. 
No  doubt  you  utilized  their  voice  and  set  up 
a  thousand  quack-power  motor,  or — " 

"Now,  hold  on,  my  young  friend  ;  this  is 
not  a  debate  in  the  Senate,  but  a  serious  dis 
cussion  of  weighty  agricultural  problems.  If 
you  will  listen  you  may  learn  much.  When 
I  decided  several  years  ago  to  engage  in  duck 
culture  I  went  out  to  Dakota.  I  first  called 
on  the  governor.  'Governor,'  I  said,  'for 


66  TIIE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

what  is  there  the  greatest  demand  in  your 
territory?'  'English  capitalists,'  he  replied. 
'  I  would  gladly  start  a  ranch  to  raise  that 
sort  of  stock  if  I  could,'  I  answered;  'but 
you  see  how  impossible  it  is.  For  what  prac 
tical  product  is  there  the  heaviest  demand  ?' 
'  Ducks,'  replied  the  governor  ;  '  there  is  not 
a  duck  in  the  territory.'  '  But  they  require 
water,'  I  said.  '  Irrigate  'em,'  returned  the 
executive." 

"But,"  interposed  Jackson  Peters,"couldn't 
the  settlers  raise  them  along  the  rivers  ?" 

"  So  I  hinted  to  the  governor.  '  There's  the 
Jim  River,'  I  said  to  him  ;  '  there's  a  place 
for  ducks  to  swim.'  '  Not  deep  enough,'  an 
swered  the  governor.'  *  Well,  the  Missouri, 
then.'  *  Too  thick.'  The  upshot  of  it  was 
that  I  went  down  into  Brule  County,  bought 
some  land,  sent  to  Illinois  for  five  hundred 
prime  live  ducks,  and  began  boring  an  arte 
sian  well. 

"When  my  well  was  down  something  like 
a  thousand  feet,  and  still  no  sign  of  water,  I 
became  anxious,  and  spent  much  of  my  time 
about  the  mouth  of  it.  The  ducks  were  also 
becoming  impatient,  and  would  cluster  around 
the  hole,  six  inches  in  diameter,  peer  down  it, 
and  quack  in  a  thirsty  voice  which  touched 


RAPID    RISE    OF    A    DUCK    GROWER  fj? 

me  deeply.  One  day  while  my  workmen 
were  sharpening  their  drill  I  was  leaning  over 
the  hole,  measuring  its  depth  with  a  small 
cord  and  weight,  when  suddenly,  with  a  ter 
rific  explosion  and  a  roar  which  shook  the 
earth,  a  stream  of  water  burst  out  of  the  hole 
and  shot  one  hundred  feet  into  the  air.  Being 
directly  over  it,  I  was  of  course  carried  up, 
along  with  one  duck.  The  first  thing  I  real 
ized  was  of  being  tossed  up  and  down  on  the 
top  of  the  column  of  water,  precisely  as  you 
will  sometimes  see  a  small  ball  tossed  up  and 
down  by  the  central  jet  of  a  lawn  foun 
tain. 

"  Gentlemen,  I  am  not  ashamed  to  admit 
that  for  a  moment  I  was  frightened.  The 
top  of  the  stream  spread  to  a  foot  and  a  half 
in  diameter,  and  was  soft  and  foamy.  It  rose 
and  fell  somewhat,  and  I  was  gently  bounced 
up  and  down  on  my  face.  I  had  seized  the 
duck  by  the  legs  while  coming  up,  that  he 
might  not  be  injured,  but  I  now  released  him 
and  turned  over  and  sat  upright.  My  work 
men  and  neighbors  came  rushing  up  to  the 
well,  but  though  I  could  see  them  making 
signs,  I  could  hear  nothing  owing  to  the 
frightful  roar  of  the  escaping  waters,  which 
was  as  great  as  that  of  Niagara.  The  duck 


08  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

floundered  about  at  my  side  and  quacked  with 
joy,  but  I  own  that  I  was  somewhat  disturbed 
by  the  prospect.  I  dared  not  jump  off  on  ac 
count  of  the  height.  As  for  sliding  down  the 
column,  it  was  impossible  to  make  any  head 
way  against  the  terrific  upward  current.  I 
saw  I  was  in  for  a  considerable  stay,  so  de 
cided  to  make  the  best  of  it.  I  signalled  my 
men  to  send  up  some  dinner,  a  newspaper, 
and  a  handful  of  corn  for  the  duck.  This 
they  did,  enclosing  all  in  a  stout  tin  can,  and  I 
soon  refreshed  myself  and  began  looking  over 
the  paper,  finding  especial  interest  in  an 
article  on  'The  Advantage  of  the  Artesian 
Well  on  the  Farm.'  The  duck  ate  the  corn 
out  of  my  hand  and  seemed  grateful.  After 
finishing  the  paper  I  tossed  it  off  and  allowed 
it  to  flutter  to  the  ground,  and  spent  the  rest 
of  the  afternoon  in  surveying  the  neighbor 
hood,  my  elevation  giving  me  a  fine  prospect 
in  all  directions. 

"After  supper,  which  was  sent  up  as  din 
ner  had  been,  I  began  to  think  about  sleep 
ing  accommodations.  Finally  I  signalled  my 
men  to  send  me  up  a  cot,  which  they  did  sim 
ply  by  throwing  it  into  the  column  of  water 
as  they  had  the  other  things.  It  came  up  and 
struck  me  with  considerable  force,  but  bal- 


\ 


JONES    RISES    \V1TH    THE    DUCK 


RAPID    RISE    OF    A    DUCK    GROWER  69 

anced  nicely  on  top  of  the  stream,  which  now 
flattened  out  rather  more,  and  I  soon  retired, 
placing  the  duck  on  the  foot  of  the  bed.  I 
slept  quite  well,  though  I  woke  up  once  or 
twice,  possibly  from  the  novelty  of  the  sur 
roundings. 

"  The  days  which  followed  were  much  like 
the  first.  My  meals  were  sent  up  regularly, 
together  with  books  and  papers,  and  I  spent 
most  of  my  time  in  reading  and  teaching  the 
duck  many  interesting  tricks.  People  came  for 
miles  to  see  me  in  my  odd  position,  and  I  was 
an  immense  boon  to  local  photographers.  I 
also  wrote  a  series  of  articles  for  the  Terri 
torial  Agriculturist  on  'The  Artesian  A^ell 
Outlook,'  and  others  on  'How  the  Farmer 
May  Rise  in  the  World,'  and  '  Tips  and  Downs 
of  Duck  Culture.'  I  may  say  that  these  met 
with  much  favor,  and  were  widely  quoted  and 
commented  upon.  Friends  have  sometimes 
chided  me  for  not  devoting  more  of  my  time 
to  work  with  the  pen." 

Jones  stopped  abruptly  and  gazed  into  the 
fire. 

"  Well,"  said  Smith,  after  a  pause,  "  you 
forget  that  you  are  down  now." 

"  Yes,  that's  so  ;  I  am.  But  I  stayed  up 
there  six  weeks.  It  was  in  the  latter  part  of 


70  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

October  when  I  went  up.  Early  in  Decem 
ber  there  came  a  cold  snap  and  froze  the 
column  of  water  solid.  Tossing  my  duck 
off,  which  readily  flew  to  the  ground,  I  took 
a  rope  previously  sent  up,  tied  it  to  my 
cot,  which  was  frozen  on  top  of  the  stream, 
slid  to  terra  firma  and  received  the  congrat 
ulations  of  my  friends.  That,  I  think,  is 
all." 

Jackson  Peters  moved  about  uneasily  in 
his  chair  for  a  few  moments.  Then  he 
said: 

"  Well,  your  duck  farm  was  a  success,  I 
suppose  ?" 

"  A  decided  one,  Jackson.  Next  summer 
the  ducks  soon  learned  to  hop  into  the  stream, 
ride  up,  fly  off,  and  repeat  the  performance. 
They  thus  avoided  the  work  of  swimming, 
and  turned  the  energy  so  saved  to  the  pro 
duction  of  feathers  and  eggs.  There  was  a 
procession  of  ducks  going  up  the  column  of 
water  and  fluttering  off  the  top  all  day  long, 
as  if  it  were  a  duck  volcano.  A  correspond 
ent  of  a  New  York  paper,  a  somewhat  super 
ficial  observer,  conceived  it  (with  slight 
help  from  me)  to  be  such  in  reality,  and 
sent  an  interesting  despatch  to  his  sheet,  en 
titled  : 


GREAT   DUCK   GEYSER! 

IMMENSE    VEIN    OF    NATURAL    DUCKS    TAPPED 
IN   DAKOTA 

A  Discharge  of  300  Prime  Live  Fowls  per  Minute 

PROPOSED    PIPE-LINE    TO    TIDE-WATER 

"Yes,  Jackson,  my  duck  farm  was  a  suc 
cess;  and  if  you  embark  in  the  business  I  ad 
vise  you  to  go  to  the  arid  belt.  But  avoid 
leaning  over  your  artesian  well  unless  you  are 
interested  in  the  study  of  the  upper  atmos 
pheric  strata." 


XIII 

THE    KING    OP    ROARING    CREEK 

"THE  great  fault  of  story-tellers  is  their 
absurd  struggle  for  striking  effects,"  observed 
Jones,  with  a  sententious  air,  after  getting  his 
second  cigar  well  started.  "Unless  the  av 
erage  story-teller  has  something  out  of  the 
way,  or  blood-curdling,  or  utterly  impossible, 
he  thinks  he  has  nothing  to  relate  at  all. 
Hair-breadth  escapes  and  marvellous  encoun 
ters  are  not  the  only  things  in  this  world. 
The  interesting  lies  all  about  us.  Better  a 
quiet  tale  well  told  than  a  story  of  shipwreck 
on  the  coast  of  lost  Atlantis  in  the  style  of  a 
Patent  -  office  report.  Genius,  gentlemen,  il 
lumes  the  lowly  and  gilds  the  every-day  with 
the  splendor  which  rested  on  Bagdat's  shrines 
of  fretted  gold." 

"That's  a  very  true  observation,  Jones," 
returned  Jackson  Peters.  "  Oddly  enough,  I 
was  just  on  the  point  of  relating  a  little  inci 
dent  which  illustrates  it  to  perfection.  I  was 


THE     KING    OF    ROARING    CREEK  73 

out  in  Kansas  last  fall  on  election  day.  It 
seems  that  in  one  precinct  a  Avoman  had  by 
mistake  voted  a  receipt  for  currant-jelly  in 
stead  of  the  regular  ticket ;  and  when  the  fe 
male  inspectors  of  election  came  to  it  while 
counting  the  vote,  they  read  it,  and  got  into 
a  dispute  as  to  whether  or  not  currant -jelly 
made  by  it  would  jell,  and— 

"  Come,  come,  Jackson,  our  friends  here  do 
not  want  to  listen  to  any  such  stuff  as  this. 
You  somehow  fail  to  give  to  it  that  touch  of 
genius  for  which  you  are  so  celebrated.  Be 
sides,  I  made  those  discriminating  remarks  of 
mine  as  a  prelude  to  a  humble  tale  of  an  ex 
perience  of  my  own  in  Missouri." 

"But,  Jones,"  said  Robinson,  "you  often 
relate  the  exciting  and  marvellous  yourself." 

"Certainly  —  when  it  is  true.  I  am  not 
afraid  of  the  striking,  or  even  the  improba 
ble,  if  it  come  within  my  experience,  and  I 
can  vouch  for  each  word  of  it.  *For  instance, 
when  I  told  you  recently  of  my  neighbor, 
when  I  lived  in  Indiana,  who  was  tarred  and 
feathered  by  White  Caps,  kept  his  plumage 
on,  and  exhibited  himself  in  a  dime  museum 
at  fifty  dollars  a  week,  did  I  seem  ill  at  ease? 
I  think  not.  The  more  subdued  incident 
which  I  started  to  relate  happened  to  me  when 


74  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

I  had  a  store  in  a  little  backwoods  Missouri 
town.  I  had  not  been  open  a  week  when  one 
day  a  large,  angular  man,  with  a  protruding 
lower  jaw,  carne  in  and  asked  my  prices  on  plug 
tobacco,  revolver  cartridges,  bowie-knives,  and 
bear -traps.  He  was  a  strikingly  large  man, 
probably  six  feet  four,  and  must  have  weighed 
considerably  over  two  hundred  pounds.  He 
was  well  proportioned,  and  seemed  as  quick 
and  active  as  a  cat.  He  carried  a  heavy  pis 
tol  in  a  holster,  and  appeared  irritable  and 
captious.  I  gave  him  the  figures  he  asked 
for,  and  also  mentioned  casually  that  I  car 
ried  a  full  line  of  pocket-flasks,  brass  knuck 
les,  and  tools  suitable  for  breaking  jail.  He 
listened,  and  then  said : 

" '  Podner,  my  name  is  Whipsaw  Pepper,  and 
I'm  the  King  of  Roaring  Creek.  I  live  up  at 
the  head  of  the  creek,  where  the  Old  Giasticus 
sharpens  his  fangs  on  the  bones  of  his  dead. 
Everybody  on  Roaring  Creek  looks  up  to  me 
and  does  as  I  says.  They  all  trade  at  the 
store  where  I  say,  and  I'm  in  the  habit  of 
getting  my  terbacker  and  things  free  for  di 
recting  of  'em  to  a  store.  I'm  willing  to  do 
this  by  you.' 

"He  stopped,  and  his  hand  rested  light!}' 
on  the  butt  of  his  revolver.  Gentlemen,  I 


THE    KING    OF    ROARING    CREEK  75 

saw  that  my  success  in  that  neighborhood 
depended  on  my  action.  I  laid  down  the 
dredge  which  I  used  for  scratching  dried  ap 
ples  out  of  a  barrel,  stepped  around  from  be 
hind  the  counter,  and  kicked  Mr.  Pepper 
heavily.  Before  he  could  express  his  sur 
prise,  either  orally  or  Delsartely,  I  kicked 
him  the  whole  length  of  the  store,  about  ten 
feet  at  each  kick,  and  through  the  front  door, 
leaving  a  large,  jagged  hole  in  it.  I  then 
painted  this  sign,  and  put  it  on  the  front  of 
my  building : 


Roaring  Creek  men  are  directed  to  buy  their  goods 
at  this  store.  Those  disobeying  this  order  will  be  shot. 
Enter  by  the  hole  through  which  I  kicked  the  old  Gi- 

asticus. 

JONES,  King  of  Pike  County. 


"  I  had  no  further  difficulty,  and  did  a  live 
ly  business  for  eighteen  months,  my  chief 
trade  coming  from  the  Roaring  Creek  settle 
ment." 

Jones  paused  and  silently  took  a  match 
from  Smith's  proffered  box. 

Robinson  straightened  up  and  said:  "Jones, 
that  was  an  interesting  story." 

"Thank    you,    Robinson,    for    saying    so. 


76  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

Merely  a  plain  account  of  what  happened. 
But  what  would  our  condition  now  be  had 
we  listened  to  the  depressing  tale  of  my 
young  friend  here,  Jackson  Peters,  of  the 
lady  who  cast  a  curl  -  paper  for  Prohibition  ? 
Jackson  is  all  right,  but  he  is  young  yet.  No 
man  can  be  a  good  story-teller  till  he  is  fifty 
years  old,  and  has  had  large  experience  in 
different  parts  of  the  world." 


XIV 

THE    FIIESII    BEAK    CO. 

A  GLOOM  seemed  to  rest  upon  the  usually 
genial  party  gathered  around  the  table. 
Even  the  vivacious  Jackson  Peters  was 
somewhat  downcast,  especially  after  Jones 
thwarted  him  in  his  attempt  to  tell  of  a  St. 
Louis  man  he  had  just  heard  of  who  recently 
took  first  prize  in  a  homing  pigeon-match  by 
inserting  a  small  rubber-tube  in  the  throat  of 
his  bird  and  inflating  him  with  hydrogen  gas. 
Jones  indignantly  denounced  the  story  as 
improbable.  After  this  silence  settled  down 
upon  the  group  for  some  time  ;  but  when  the 
waiter  withdrew,  Jones  casually  observed:  "I 
see  the  usual  summer  trouble  with  the  ice 
men  has  begun." 

"  Yes,"  Robinson  returned ;  "  my  ice-man 
complains  of  the  expense  of  having  to  carry 
one  large  piece  of  ice  in  his  wagon  to  keep 
the  little  ones  from  melting  before  he  can  de 
liver  them  to  his  customers." 


78  THE    ADVENTUEiES    OF    JONES 

"  Precisely,"  answered  Jones.  "  That  is  the 
way  with  ice-men.  I  once  knew  an  ice-man 
in  Detroit  who  presented  each  of  his  custom 
ers  with  a  volume  of  Dr.  Kane's  Arctic  Ex 
plorations,  and  then  cut  clown  the  size  of  his 
pieces  of  ice  fifty  per  cent.  But  speaking  of 
ice -men,  how  inadequate,  after  .all,  is  our 
vaunted  system  of  cold  storage.  I  speak, 
gentlemen,  ex  cathedra,  having  been  the  orig 
inator  and  president  of  the  Scranton  Fresh 
Bear  Supply  Co.  We  raised  black  bears, 
and  put  fresh  bear- meat  on  the  market  in 
car-load  lots,  whether  bears  were  in  season  or 
not.  I  will  tell  you  about  it  in  a  moment." 

Jones  leaned  back  in  a  chair  and  puffed  at 
his  cigar  with  an  air  of  blended  expectation 
and  resignation.  At  the  end  of  one  minute 
he  remarked,  simply,  "  Well  ?" 

"  Well  what  ?"  demanded  Jackson  Peters, 
sharply. 

"  We  are  waiting,  Jackson,  for  the  story  of 
an  uncle  of  yours  who  invented  a  canary-bird 
cage  which  could  be  used  as  a  rat  -  trap  at 
night." 

"There  was  never  anything  of  the  kind  in 
the  family  "  answered  Jackson  Peters,  with  a 
suspicion  of  indignation. 

"Indeed?     I  anticipated  that  a  direct  ref- 


THE    FRESH    BEAR    CO.  79 

erence  to  black  bears  would  remind  you  of 
canary-bird  cages.  But  to  our  story.  It  was 
at  Scranton,  Pennsylvania,  the  State  bear 
headquarters.  In  fact,  Scranton  is  the  wild- 
animal  capital  of  the  United  States.  -At  no 
other  place  are  they  so  intelligent.  I  was 
once,  eight  miles  north  of  Scranton,  jostled 
by  two  black  bears  while  a  third  picked  my 
pocket  of  a  tobacco-pouch  and  sixty  cents  in 
change.  You  may  well  look  interested,  Jack 
son  ;  that  is  worth  remembering.  A  young 
man  of  your  age  can  learn  many  valuable 
facts  by  listening  quietly  to  my  conversation. 
Still,  I  never  had  an  uncle  who  invented  a 
folding-bed  which  could  be  used  as  a  sloop- 
yacht  in  the  daytime,  utilizing  the  sheets  for 
sails,  and  the  space  under  the  mattress  for 
storing  the  champagne. 

"But  we  did  not  have  to  do  with  the  wild 
bears  except  to  make  a  beginning.  We  caught 
one  hundred  prime  black  bears  and  started  a 
bear  ranch.  At  the  end  of  four  years  we  had 
live  thousand  head  of  bear.  We  began  to 
put  them  on  the  market,  and  the  Scranton 
Supply  Co.'s  bear-meat  became  famous  in 
this  country  and  Europe.  But  we  found  our 
profits  largely  eaten  up  by  several  peculiarities 
of  the  business.  Our  bears  all  became  beau- 


80  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

tifully  fat  in  the  fall,  but  to  keep  them  so  ami 
supply  the  year-around  demand  which  had 
sprung  up  was  expensive.  We  tried  raising 
the  price,  but  the  public  would  not  stand  it, 
and  many  people  ceased  to  buy  our  meat. 
We  tried  cold  storage  for  our  bear -meat, 
but  this  our  customers  also  objected  to,  de 
manding  absolutely  fresh  meat.  Indeed,  lo 
cal  butchers  soon  came  to  insist  on  having  the 
live  bear  shipped  directly  to  them.  When  we 
abandoned  cold  storage  we  found  ourselves 
fifty  thousand  dollars  in  debt,  and  with  two 
thousand  fat  bears  on  hand  ready  for  the 
abattoir,  and  practically  no  demand  for  bear 
at  remunerative  prices.  I  may  say,  gen 
tlemen,  that  it  was  not  a  good  day  for 
b'ar. 

"At  this  juncture  the  president  of  the 
company  arose  and  took  complete  control 
of  affairs  with  a  firm  hand.  I  think  I  men 
tioned  the  fact  that  I  was  the  president.  I 
asked  for  unlimited  authority,  and  the  stock 
holders  gave  it  to  me.  I  turned  to  the  aban 
doned  cold-storage  warehouse,  started  up  the 
ice-machines,  and  although  it  was  in  June, 
reduced  the  temperature  inside  to  five  below 
zero.  In  the  meantime  I  had  procured  from 
the  woods  around  Scranton  two  thousand 


JONES    IS    BUNCOED    BY    THE    SCRANTON    BEARS 


THE    FRESH    BEAR    CO.  81 

hollow  logs.  These  I  placed  in  the  cold- 
storage  warehouse.  I  then  drove  in  our  two 
thousand  fat  bears.  They  sniffed  the  air  once 
or  twice,  growled  a  little,  and  began  nosing 
around  among  the  logs.  They  thought  they 
saw  that  a  hard  winter  was  upon  them,  and, 
gentlemen,  each  one  of  those  intelligent  ani 
mals  crawled  into  a  hollow  log  and  began  to 
hibernate.  By  keeping  the  temperature  at 
the  same  low  point  we  found  we  could  leave 
a  bear  there  for  any  length  of  time  we  chose 
— three  months,  six  months,  one  year,  two 
years  —  and  he  would  come  out  as  fat  and 
fresh  as  when  he  went  in.  When  we  got  an 
order  from  a  butcher  we  would  nail  a  cover 
over  the  hole  in  the  log  and  ship  it  to  him 
with  the  bear  inside,  like  a  silk  hat  in  a  paste 
board  box.  The  butcher  could,  if  he  wished, 
put  him  in  cold  storage  and  keep  him  still 
longer.  We  advertised  our  bears  as  'hiber 
nated  at  the  ranch,'  and  at  the  end  of  two 
years  I  retired  from  the  company  with  eighty 
thousand  dollars  in  cash." 

Jones  rose,  walked  firmly  to  the  mantel, 
and  helped  himself  to  a  match.  The  voice  of 
Jackson  Peters  was  heard  in  the  room,  as  he 
sniffed  the  air,  and  said:  "  I  suppose  you  lost 
it  raising  rabbits  to  slaughter  during  the  dark 


8^  THK    ADVENTURES    OF    JOXKs 

of   the   moon    in   a  convenient   cemetery  for 
their  left  hind-feet,  eh  ?" 

"Young  man,  I  didn't  lose  that  money  at 
all.  I  went  to  Chicago  and  began  the  pub 
lication  of  pocket  Testaments  for  the  Iowa 
trade.  I  had  strong  competition  in  the  Iowa 
Family  Supply  Company,  but  as  its  Testa 
ments  held  only  a  pint,  while  mine  would 
all  hold  a  quart,  I  got  the  bulk  of  the  trade, 
and  doubled  my  money  inside  of  eighteen 

*  •/  O 

months." 


XV 

UNIQUE    EXPERIENCE    ON    LAKE  SUPERIOR 

IN  some  way  the  conversation  had  drifted 
around  to  the  subject  of  college  education. 

"  No  one,"  said  Jackson  Peters,  "  can  es 
teem  college  training  higher  than  I  do,  but 
it's  a  fact,  nevertheless,  that  a  man  can  ac 
quire  a  liberal  education  by  keeping  his  ears 
open.  For  instance,  a  month  ago,  when  I 
was  in  Chicago,  a  man  at  the  hotel  told  me 
of  an  interesting  fact  which,  I  presume,  has 
never  penetrated  the  school-rooms.  He  lived 
on  the  north  shore  of  Lake  Superior,  near 
Frontenac  River,  a  stream  about  sixty  miles 
long.  Last  winter  this  river  froze  solidly  to 
the  bottom. 

"  Water,  as  you  know,  expands  about  one- 
eleventh  of  its  bulk  when  it  freezes.  Now, 
the  lake  being  frozen  also,  this  river  could 
not  expand  in  that  direction,  consequently 
the  expansion  all  went  in  the  other,  and  its 
head-waters  pushed  out  on  the  prairie  between 


y4  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

five  and  six  miles,  and  lie  there  yet,  slowly 
melting  in  the  spring  sun,  an  average  of  sixty 
feet  wide  and  twenty  feet  high." 

"  Jackson,"  said  Jones,  with  considerable 
vigor,  "the  fellow  imposed  on  you.  I  know 
that  Frontenac  River.  I  spent  two  winters 
on  the  north  shore,  and  the  idea  of  the  sharp 
end  of  that  stream  shoving  out  across  the 
country  like  an  animated  icicle  is  absurd. 
Of  course  it  freezes  to  the  bottom,  and  of 
course  it  expands,  but  the  spring  which  forms 
its  source  is  under  a  high  hill,  consequently 
that  river  cannot  snake  itself  over  the  prairie 
on  its  stomach,  however  much  it  may  want 
to.  What  it  does  do  when  it  freezes  and  ex 
pands  is  to  hump  itself  up  like  a  satchel 
handle  and  stand  all  winter  with  its  back  two 
hundred  feet  in  the  air.  In  this  condition  it 
makes  the  finest  toboggan  slide  I  ever  saw, 
and  it  shines  like  a  frozen  rainbow." 

"  Maybe  the  man  did  impose  on  me,"  said 
Jackson  Peters,  in  a  sarcastic  tone.  "  I  am 
young.  But  I  am  glad  that  I  have  got  back 
among  friends  who  will  respect  my  innocence 
and  guilelessness." 

"  You  spent  some  time  in  the  Superior 
country,  eh  ?"  said  Robinson,  as  a  diplomatic 
way  out  of  the  threatened  trouble. 


UNIQUE    EXPERIENCE    ON    LAKE    SUPERIOR     85 

"  Four  or  five  years,"  answered  Jones,  care 
lessly.  "Part  of  it  on  the  south  shore,  how 
ever.  It's  a  cold  country.  Prime  Kentucky 
whiskey  from  December  to  March  has  the 
appearance  of  maple  sugar.  I  had  a  trading- 
post  one  winter  on  Isle  Royale.  One  night 
wolves  attacked  me.  I  soon  exhausted  my 
supply  of  bullets,  and  certainly  would  have 
been  devoured  had  I  not  bethought  me  to 
break  a  dozen  thermometers  and  use  the  con 
gealed  mercury  in  the  bulbs  for  rifle-balls." 

"  You  must  have  had  many  other  interest 
ing  experiences,"  said  Smith  encouragingly. 

"  Oh,  life  there  had  its  passing  incidents, 
of  course,  though,  on  the  whole,  it  was  mo 
notonous.  One  winter  I  carried  the  mail 
from  Marquette  to  Copper  Harbor,  Keweenaw 
Point,  both  on  the  Michigan  peninsula.  They 
are  about  sixty  miles  apart,  and  I  drove  the 
entire  distance  on  Lake  Superior.  There  was 
no  snow  that  winter,  and  the  ice  was  from 
three  to  four  feet  thick.  I  used  to  start  be 
fore  sunrise,  as  it  was  a  long  drive. 

"But,  after  all,  it  was  less  formidable  than 
it  would  seem,  as  the  ice  was  smooth  as  glass, 
and  I  used  a  light  cutter  with  thin  runners, 
and  carried  usually  only  one  or  two  mail- 
sacks  and  half  a  dozen  small  express  pack- 


86  THE     ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

ages.  My  best  horse,  and  the  one  I  drove  the 
most,  was  named  Lightning  Streak.  He  was 
a  tall,  powerful,  long-legged  beast,  a  good 
trotter,  and  remarkably  intelligent. 

"  It  was  an  exceptionally  cold  winter,  the 
mercury  making  but  few  and  timid  excursions 
above  zero.  One  morning  in  the  latter  part 
of  January  I  started  as  usual  from  Marquette, 
intending  to  make  the  return  trip  the  next 
day.  But  I  was  not  feeling  as  well  as  usual, 
having  sat  up  the  entire  night  working  on  a 
new  invention,  an  improved  night-latch  for 
club-men  and  diners-out,  in  which  the  key 
protruded  three  or  four  inches  from  the  door, 
the  user  carrying  the  hole  in  his  pocket,  and 
readily  slipping  it  over  the  key  even  after 
the  most  enjoyable  dinner.  I  soon  found 
myself  very  sleepy. 

"There  was  a  fresh  west  wind  and  the  air 
was  cold,  but  the  sky  was  perfectly  clear. 
My  road  lay  straight  to  the  northwest,  and 
though  it  consisted  of  a  mere  scratch  on  the 
glare  ice,  I  did  not  doubt  the  ability  of  the 
Streak  to  follow  it.  Accordingly,  just  as  the 
sun  rose,  making  quivering  diamonds  of  the 
dancing  frost  crystals  in  the  air,  I  snuggled 
down  in  my  furs  and  went  sound  to  sleep. 

"My   intention  was    to   take   a    nap  of  a 


UNIQUE    EXPERIENCE    ON    LAKE    SUPERIOR      87 

couple  of  hours,  but  what  was  my  astonish 
ment  when  I  awoke  and  discovered  that  it 
was  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon.  I  looked 
forward  for  the  headland  of  Keweenaw 
Point,  but  was  dumfounded  not  to  find  it. 
Nor  was  land  anywhere  in  sight ;  and  I  soon 
discovered  that  I  was  off  the  road,  and  travel 
ling  somewhat  east  of  north. 

"  The  whole  thing  Hashed  upon  me.  The 
intelligent  animal,  not  liking  to  face  the  cold 
wind,  had  borne  off  to  the  right  and  carried 
me  all  day  as  fast  as  he  could  go  towards  the 
British  possessions.  I  brought  the  valuable 
beast  to  a  stop  and  considered  the  situation. 

"I  own,  gentlemen,  that  the  prospect  did 
not  please  me.  The  thermometer  on  my  dash 
board  showed  twenty  degrees  below  zero, 
and  as  I  stood  there  the  wind  freshened  and 
veered  to  the  northwest.  I  knew  the  mer 
cury  would  sink  twenty  degrees  lower  before 
morning,  and  that  to  remain  on  the  ice  all 
night  meant  to  perish.  I  estimated  that  I 
was  fifty  miles  from  the  Canadian  shore  and 
seventy-five  from  Copper  Harbor,  my  desti 
nation.  But  the  north  shore  was  utterly  bar 
ren,  so  I  knew  that  I  must  make  Copper  Har 
bor,  and  make  it  before  dark,  as  the  sky  was 
becoming  overcast  and  a  blizzard  threatened. 


88  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

I  saw  that  I  had  about  one  hour  in  which  to 
cover  this  seventy-five  miles.  There  are  men, 
I  suppose,  who  would  have  despaired  ;  but  I 
faced  the  problem  with  resolution. 

"I  got  out  of  my  cutter  and  patted  Light 
ning  Streak  encouragingly  on  the  neck.  It 
had  just  occurred  to  me  that  among  my  par 
cels  of  express  was  a  bundle  of  skates.  I 
broke  this  open,  selected  two  pairs,  and  in 
five  minutes  had  a  skate  firmly  attached  to 
each  one  of  the  animal's  feet.  I  got  into  the 
cutter  hastily,  faced  him  about,  gave  him  a 
sharp  cut  with  the  whip,  and  we  were  off. 

"  Of  course  he  made  some  awkward  motions 
at  first,  and  nearly  fell  once  or  twice;  but  he 
soon  got  control  of  himself  and  started  like  a 
cannon-ball,  leaning  forward  and  reaching  out 
with  a  long  swing  which  covered  one  hun 
dred  feet  at  every  stride.  It  was  the  fastest 
travelling  I  ever  did  behind  a  horse.  Ten 
minutes  after  sunset  I  noticed  a  speck  a  half- 
mile  ahead.  As  we  drew  nearer  I  saw  that 
it  was  an  arctic  or  snowy  owl  flying  some 
seven  or  eight  feet  from  the  ground  in  ex 
actly  the  same  direction  we  were  going. 
This  owl,  as  you  know,  is  one  of  the  most 
rapid  fliers  known  to  ornithologists.  As  we 
passed  under  it  I  reached  up  and  plucked  a 


UNIQUE    EXPERIENCE    ON    LAKE    SUPERIOR      89 

single  quill  from  its  tail  for  a  memento.  I 
looked  back,  and  I  must  say  that  I  have  sel 
dom  seen  a  more  astonished  owl. 

"  We  dashed  on,  the  Streak's  skates  ring 
ing  on  the  ice  like  the  shriek  of  locomotive 
whistles.  Gentlemen,  in  precisely  one  hour 
to  the  second  I  sighted  the  lights  of  Copper 
Harbor,  and  six  minutes  later  I  took  off  the 
animal's  skates  on  the  beach  and  proceeded 
to  the  post -office.  I  drove  the  rest  of  the 
winter  with  skates  exclusively,  and  the  Streak 
before  spring  did  one  hundred  miles  in  one 
hour,  and  covered  a  measured  mile  in  thirty- 
one  seconds.  I  have  the  owl  quill  yet,  and 
intend  to  use  it  some  day  in  writing  my 
memoirs." 

"Jones,"  said  Jackson  Peters,  "I  presume 
you  neglect  to  mention  that  it  ruined  your 
valuable  horse  for  summer  driving  at  a  trot." 

"  My  young  friend,"  answered  Jones,  "if 
you  could  have  seen  Lightning  Streak  next 
summer  doing  his  sixty-five  miles  an  hour  on 
roller-skates  you  wouldn't  talk  that  way." 


XVI 

TEX    WEEKS    IN    AFRICA 

"  JONES,"  said  Robinson,  "isn't  it  some 
what  odd  that  you  have  never  been  abroad  ?" 

"  But  I  have  been  abroad,"  answered  Jones. 

"  Is  that  so  ?  Well,  then,  isn't  it  odd  that 
you  never  had  any  adventures  there?" 

"I  don't  know  as  I  can  truthfully  say  that 
I  ever  had  any  adventures  anywhere,  Robin 
son.  There  have  been  incidents  in  my  life  of 
which  I  am  weak  enough  to  tell  my  friends, 
but  my  adventures  have  been  few  or  none  at 
all.  Our  young  friend,  here,  Jackson  Peters, 
is  the  man  who  has  had  adventures.  Think 
of  the  night  the  bottom  dropped  out  of  his 
cab,  and  he  ran  inside  of  the  vehicle  for  two 
miles  before  he  could  make  the  driver  hear." 

Jackson  smiled  in  a  sort  of  a  forced  way, 
intended  rather  to  express  inward  pain  than 
pleasure,  and  said,  apparently  addressing  the 
ceiling : 

"  I  am  curious  to   know  if  Robinson's  un- 


TEN    WEEKS    IN    AFRICA  91 

guarded  reference  to  'abroad'  is  going  to 
produce  a  Greenland  tale  of  catching  a  polar- 
bear  by  the  hind-legs  and  making  him  walk 
about  like  a  wheelbarrow,  or  bring  forth  an 
account  of  playing  seven-up  with  gorillas  in 
Africa." 

"I  propose  sticking  to  Africa  to-night,  Jack 
son,"  answered  Jones,  with  the  utmost  com 
placency.  "  I  think  I've  already  told  you 
of  being  hired  several  years  ago  by  the  Phila 
delphia  Rights  of  Savages  Society  to  go  to 
Africa  and  investigate  the  condition  of  the 
small  and  medium-sized  dwarfs.  The  society 
had  heard  that  they  were  suffering  great  in 
dignities  from  having  to  cut  down  and  wear 
the  cast-off  clothes  of  the  standard-gauge  na 
tives.  I  called  a  meeting  of  the  savages,  as 
sorted  sizes,  and  found  that  none  of  them,  big 
or  little,  had  ever  heard  of  clothes,  and  so 
reported  to  the  society,  much  to  its  relief  ; 
though  I  understand  that  it  has  since  begun 
sending  to  Africa  a  garment  which  will  pass 
as  a  jacket  for  the  big  fellows,  a  Prince  Al 
bert  for  the  mediums,  and  an  ulster  for  the 
dwarf  varieties. 

"  This  trip  made  me  interested  in  Africa, 
and  I  went  back  to  do  a  little  exploring.  I 
soon  came  to  those  dense  forests  which  other 


92  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

explorers,  more  given  to  rushing  into  print 
than  I,  have  told  you  about.  I  found  it  slow 
travelling  in  them,  since  the  trees  are  so  close 
together  that  the  sunlight  never  penetrates 
their  interwoven  tops.  But  I  soon  rendered 
matters  all  easy-going  by  making  large 
Indian  snow-shoes  for  myself  and  men  out 
of  light  bent  wood  and  thongs  of  rawhide. 
Then  we  all  climbed  a  tree,  got  up  on  top  of 
the  forest,  and  found  the  walking  very  good 
after  we  became  accustomed  to  the  snow — 
or,  rather,  the  tree — shoes.  In  this  way  we 
proceeded  rapidly,  and  passed  over  several 
warlike  tribes,  both  mammoth  and  early  dwarf, 
without  their  knowing  anything  about  it. 

"  But  I  soon  became  tired  of  exploring,  es 
pecially  when  I  began  to  come  upon  other  ex 
plorers,  and  saw  them  scurry  off,  while  they 
shouted  for  me  to  go  'way,  thinking  that  I 
was  coming  to  rescue  them.  I  saw  that  the 
business  was  overdone.  I  accordingly  re 
turned  to  this  country.  Here  I  organized  the 
Jones  African  Trading  Company  and  the 
Jones  African  Lecture  Bureau,  and  again 
went  back  to  the  Dark  Continent.  As  presi 
dent  of  the  Trading  Company  I  strove  to 
reach  both  the  natives  and  the  explorers  by 
putting  on  the  market  for  the  former  a  su- 


TEN    WEEKS    IN    AFRICA  93 

perior  nose-ring,  warranted  to  hold  as  long  as 
the  nose  stayed  on,  and  for  the  latter  several 
improved  varieties  of  sporting  rifles,  lecture- 
manuscript  paper,  and  fountain  -  pens.  I 
found  great  difficulty  in  working  up  busi 
ness,  owing  to  the  lack  of  advertising  facili 
ties.  For  a  long  time  I  was  at  a  loss  what 
to  do.  I  tried  posters  on  the  trees,  but  the 
forest  was  so  dark  they  couldn't  be  read. 
Out  on  the  plains  there  was  nothing  to  attach 
a  poster  to.  I  tried  handbills,  and  hired  a 
small  seedling  dwarf  to  stand  at  the  cross 
roads  and  give  them  to  the  explorers  and 
rescuers  as  they  chased  each  other  by,  but  he 
threw  them  away  and  decamped  with  the 
money.  I  was  on  the  point  of  giving  up, 
when,  as  I  was  one  day  watching  a  large  herd 
of  elephants,  a  bright  idea  struck  me.  <  We'll 
bill  the  elephants !'  I  exclaimed  to  my  men. 
And  we  did. 

"  Elephants,  as  you  know,  are  very  sound 
sleepers,  so  I  was  sure  it  would  not  be  diffi 
cult  to  bill  them  in  the  night.  I  accordingly 
went  out  with  my  men  that  night,  taking  a 
large  roll  of  posters  and  a  barrel  of  paste.  In 
two  hours  we  had  the  entire  herd  billed  with 
out  one  of  them  waking  up,  though  when  the 
wet  paste-brush  slapped  up  and  down  their 


94  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

sides  some  of  them  stirred  a  little,  perhaps 
dreaming  that  they  were  in  a  barber-shop 
getting  shaved.  We  attached  a  file-hook  full 
of  small  bills  to  the  tail  of  each,  so  that  in 
terested  persons  could  help  themselves,  and 
then  retired  to  camp  and  went  to  bed. 

"The  next  morning  this  herd  of  five  hun 
dred  elephants  scattered  about,  each  bearing 
a  big  poster  on  one  side  reading : 


Try  the  Celebrated  Jones  Nose-Ring. 
NON-JERK-OUT. 

Stylish  and  Comfortable.  Agents  Wanted. 


And  on  the  other  side  this  : 


For  Africa— Jones's  Sporting  Rifle. 
For  America— Jones's  Lecture  Bureau. 
Warranted  to  fdch  the  Natives  in  either  case  ! 


We  were  much  pleased  at  seeing  many  inter 
ested  persons  snatch  a  small  bill  as  the  ele 
phants  switched  their  tails  and  fluttered  the 
bunches  in  the  air. 

"I   immediately  began    to   bill    elephants 


JONES'S   ELEPHANT    PRODUCES   EXCITEMENT    AMONG    READERS 


TEN    WEEKS    IN    AFRICA  95 

right  and  left,  and  soon  an  animal  without 
my  posters  was  a  novel  sight.  The  attempt 
to  make  similar  bill-boards  out  of  the  hippo 
potami  failed,  because  they  went  into  the 
water  and  soaked  off  the  literature  ;  but  with 
a  large  stencil  and  oil-paints  we  readily  placed 
our  advertising  with  them  after  all.  I  found 
them,  too,  a  valuable  medium,  reaching  read 
ers  along  the  rivers  where  the  elephants  did 
not  circulate.  My  liberal  use  of  pachyder 
matous  space  soon  began  to  bear  fruit,  and 
business  revived.  In  two  months  I  had  closed 
out  my  entire  stock  of  rifles  and  nose-rings, 
and  booked  three-fourths  of  the  explorers  and 
rescuers  for  lecture  tours.  Then  I  came  home 
and  boomed  the  lectures,  advertising  in  the 
newspapers  rather  than  on  elephants.  I  con 
sider  the  newspapers  the  best  advertising  me 
dium  we  have  in  this  country  ;  but,  after  all, 
a  newspaper  doesn't  move  about  like  an  ele 
phant." 

"I  think,  Jones,"  said  Jackson  Peters, 
"  that  you  deserve  our  thanks  for  the  remark 
able  self-restraint  you  have  shown  this  even 
ing  in  not  hanging  lithographs  on  the  zebras 
and  putting  sandwich-boards  on  the  giraffes." 

"Your  uncle  would  have  done  those  things, 
Jackson — I  mean  the  uncle  you  told  us  about 


96  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JOXKs 

the  other  evening  who  projected  the  Peters 
Duckling  Natatorium,  that  ingenious  and  ef 
ficient  apparatus  for  teaching  young  ducks 
the  art  of  swimming.  Your  uncle  missed  a 
great  career  when  lie  neglected  Africa  and 
stuck  to  Puddleford  Centre,  New  Hamp 
shire." 


XVII 

AT   PORT    HUDSON 

"  JOXES,"  said  Robinson,  "isn't  it  odd  that 
you  do  not  tell  us  more  of  your  army  ex 
periences  ?  Your  somewhat  fast  ride  on  the 
shell  at  Gettysburg  is  the  only  incident  that 
I  remember  your  ever  mentioning." 

"  I  led  a  rather  quiet  life  in  the  army,"  an 
swered  Jones,  slowly,  and  apparently  letting 
his  mind  wander  back  over  the  half-forgot 
ten  scenes.  "I  had  no  horses  shot  from  un 
der  me.  By-the-way,  it  has  always  seemed 
to  me  that  we  owe  an  inestimable  and  little 
recognized  debt  to  the  attraction  of  gravita 
tion.  If  it  had  not  been  for  this  salutary 
force,  the  air  of  many  states,  at  the  end  of 
the  late  war,  would  have  been  well-nigh  filled 
with  able  brigadier-generals  whose  horses  had 
been  shot  from  under  them  and  who  had  not 
been  hauled  down  yet.  But  nature  provides 
for  every  emergency." 


US  T1IE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

"You  were  in  the  cavalry  arm  of  the  ser 
vice,  were  you  not  ?"  asked  Smith. 

"Principally,  though  I  was  connected  at 
different  times  with  the  infantry  and  artillery 
as  well,"  answered  Jones,  guardedly.  "My 
service  with  the  cavalry  was  with  the  Six 
teenth  Minnesota,  as  you  remember.  I  had 
a  fine  horse,  which  I  called  Hot  Cakes.  He 
was  a  very  quick  horse.  One  day  when  the 
bugle  sounded  the  charge  he  started  so  sud 
denly  that  his  tail  dropped  off." 

"  Now  hold  on,  Jones,"  said  Jackson  Peters, 
firmly;  "that  won't  do.  I've  heard  that 
story  before." 

"No  doubt,  Jackson,  no  doubt,"  replied 
Jones  with  the  greatest  blandness.  "  The 
whole  brigade  saw  the  incident  happen,  and 
it  became  a  subject  of  common  discussion  all 
over  the  country.  Perhaps  you  got  it  from 
the  history  you  studied  at  school.  Bancroft 
mentions  it." 

"My  service  with  the  artillery,"  continued 
Jones,  "  while  lacking  the  dash  of  my  con 
nection  with  the  cavalry,  was  really  of  much 
more  importance  to  the  country.  I  became 
interested  in  the  artillery  through  so  often 
charging  up  to  the  cannon's  mouth.  Rush 
ing  fiercely  up  to  the  cannon's  mouth,  and, 


AT    PORT    HUDSON  99 

as  it  were,  examining  its  back  teeth,  is  no 
child's  play,  as  you  may  imagine  ;  and  after 
a  year's  acquaintance  with  this  disagreeable 
and  petulant  end  of  the  cannon  I  determined 
to  get  into  touch  with  the  other  end,  and  ac 
cordingly  got  transferred  to  the  artillery.  I 
soon  found  myself  a  colonel,  and  in  charge 
of  a  small  battery. 

"  At  the  siege  of  Port  Hudson  an  incident 
occurred  which  may  be  worth  repeating,  for 
the  benefit  of  Jackson,  at  least,  who,  by  his 
interest  in  the  sudden  start  of  my  horse  Hot 
Cakes  shows  that  he  is  not  averse  to  storing 
his  mind  with  facts  having  a  military  value. 
It  was  during  the  first  day's  bombardment 
that  my  attention  was  attracted  to  the  small 
amount  of  apparent  injury  inflicted  on  the 
enemy  in  return  for  the  expenditure  in  labor, 
ammunition,  and  noise.  That  night  it  hap 
pened  that  I  did  not  sleep  well,  my  throat 
being  hot  and  parched  from  lack  of  water, 
the  tin  cup  having  been  shot  out  of  my  hand 
every  time  I  had  tried  to  take  a  drink  all 
day.  While  tossing  on  my  feverish  cot  I  con 
ceived  the  notion  that  the  difficulty  with  my 
battery  at  least  was  that  the  projectiles  were 
not  heavy  enough.  At  the  first  streak  of 
light,  my  tent  having  been  shot  out  of  exist- 


100  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

ence  during  the  night,  I  walked  away  from 
my  cot,  summoned  my  orderly,  and  made  a 
requisition  for  a  certain  eight-inch  steel  shaft 
which  I  happened  to  know  was  within  our  lines. 
It  had  been  taken  from  a  dismantled  iron 
clad,  where  it  had  served  as  the  ram,  and  was 
but  a  short  piece  some  six  or  seven  feet  long. 
My  heaviest  gun  was  an  eight-inch  smooth 
bore,  and  I  had  decided  to  use  this  shaft  as 
a  projectile,  and  tear  a  breach  through  the 
enemy  which  would  hopelessly  cripple  him. 

"  At  about  six  o'clock  the  piece  of  ram 
was  brought  to  me.  I  instantly  caused  a 
double  charge  of  powder  to  be  inserted  in 
the  eight -inch  gun,  and  then  had  the  shaft 
forced  home  on  top  of  it.  It  was  a  close  fit, 
which  pleased  me,  as  it  assured  accuracy  in 
firing,  and  if  my  aim  was  good,  I  doubted 
not  to  do  terrible  execution.  We  were  be 
hind  earthworks,  on  a  bluff  overlooking  the 
enemy's  position.  My  guns  pointed  down 
ward  at  a  small  but  noticeable  angle.  At 
eight  o'clock  the  bombardment  opened  sharp 
ly  all  along  the  line.  It  was  the  heaviest  fir 
ing  I  ever  experienced.  I  worked  the  re 
mainder  of  my  battery  vigorously  for  half 
an  hour,  then  I  determined  to  give  the  enemy 
my  eight-inch.  I  had  decided  to  aim  the 


JONES    TOUCHED   THE    VENT    WITH    HIS    CIGAR 


AT    PORT    HUDSON  101 

piece  myself.  Stepping  to  it  I  leaned  for 
ward  against  the  breech,  put  my  head  down 
closely,  and  aimed  with  the  greatest  care. 
My  nerve  was  firm  as  iron.  I  felt  that  the 
moment  for  crushing  the  rebellion  had  come. 
The  aim  was  perfect.  I  touched  the  vent 
with  my  cigar. 

"Gentlemen,  I  have  to  confess  to  a  mis 
calculation.  Though  possessing  a  thorough 
knowledge  of  gunnery,  I  had  made  the  mis 
take  of  having  my  projectile  heavier  than 
my  gun.  As  a  consequence  the  projectile 
rested  where  it  was  and  the  gun  shot  back. 
I  was  clinging  to  the  breech  and  went  with 
it.  The  trajectory  which  we,  the  cannon  and 
I,  described,  was  said  to  be  very  beautiful, 
and  was  observed  by  the  entire  army.  We 
struck  the  ground  about  three  miles  back  of 
the  Union  lines.  Leaving  the  unfortunate 
piece  of  ordnance  where  it  fell,  I  returned  to 
my  battery." 

"  Then  your  idea  was  of  no  practical  val 
ue  ?"  said  Robinson,  as  Jones  paused. 

"  On  the  contrary,  it  ended  the  siege.  The 
next  day  General  Banks  reversed  every  can 
non  in  our  lines,  loaded  them  with  shafting, 
and  threw  them  into  the  enemy  with  such  ef- 


102  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

feet  that  what  little  was  left  of  him  surren 
dered." 

"  Does  Bancroft  mention  this  ?"  asked  Jack 
son  Peters,  softly. 

"  Bancroft  wasn't  there,  and  knew  nothing 
about  it,"  answered  Jones. 


XVIII 

THE    LEVIATHAN    TRANSPORTATION    LINE 

"  IT  is  strange,"  said  Jones,  reflectively,  as 
he  puffed  vigorously  at  his  cigar,  "  that  Jack 
son  Peters  never  tells  us  of  any  more  of  his 
ideas  for  inventions.  The  last  thing  he  men 
tioned  was  his  ingenious  notion  of  putting 
hinges  on  the  trunks  of  orchard  trees,  so  that 
in  case  of  high  wind  they  could  be  turned 
down.  You  never  perfected  that  plan,  did 
you,  Jackson  ?"  and  Jones  looked  at  the 
young  man  writh  great  apparent  interest. 

"  The  thing  could  be  done,"  answered  Pe 
ters,  as  if  Jones  had  cast  doubts  on  its  prac 
ticability.  "And  it  would  be  a  great  boon 
to  fruit-growers  in  Kansas  and  other  draughty 
parts  of  the  country.  Lately  I've  been  won 
dering  that  more  progress  is  not  made  by  in 
ventors  in  the  line  of  submarine  war-boats. 
If  the  fish  idea  won't  work,  why  not  take  the 
duck  as  the  living  prototype  of  a  vessel,  and 
produce  something  which  can  dive,  at  least." 


104  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

"Your  notion  is  of  a  boat  which  can  dive 
to  escape  the  enemy,  and  then  peck  a  hole  in 
his  hull  with  its  beak,  eh?"  remarked  Jones. 

"  Well — yes,"  assented  Jackson  Peters. 

"  Would  you  have  it  web-footed,  and  con 
struct  it  so  it  could  get  out  and  waddle  on 
the  beach  in  connection  with  land  forces?" 

"  You  are  not  taking  this  thing  seriously, 
Jones." 

"But  I  am.  And  wings,  Jackson  —  give 
your  duck  war-ship  wings.  Then  if  it  gets 
caught  in  shallow  water  by  a  superior  force, 
it  can  rise  up  and  fly  away,  giving  vent  to 
loud  and  defiant  quacks  on  a  steam-quacker." 

"Perhaps  you're  right,"  said  Jackson,  wea 
rily.  "No  doubt  about  it,  in  fact." 

"  I  have  been  detected  in  the  neighborhood 
of  right  ideas,"  admitted  Jones.  "Possibly 
you  could  get  some  marine  hints  from  an  ac 
count  of  my  experience  with  the  New  York 
and  Boston  Leviathan  Towing  and  Transpor 
tation  Line,  which  I  operated  in  the  late  six 
ties.  You  remember  the  line,  Robinson?" 

Robinson  answered  "  Yes,"  without  a 
blush. 

"One  night  after  I  went  to  bed,"  contin 
ued  Jones,  "it  occurred  to  me  that  though 
hundreds  of  land  animals  are  of  use  to  man 


THE    LEVIATHAN    TRANSPORTATION    LINE       105 

while  living,  not  one  of  the  sea  animals  had 
ever  been  put  to  any  practical  use  till  dead. 
It  seemed  probable  that  the  most  useful  pur 
pose  to  which  living  land  animals  was  put 
by  man  was  as  draught  animals,  of  which  we 
may  take  the  horse  and  the  ox  as  examples. 
Why  were  not  the  animals  of  the  sea  used 
for  draught  purposes?  I  became  so  excited 
that  I  lay  awake  all  night  thinking  about  it. 
The  result  was  the  New  York  and  Boston 
Leviathan  Towing  and  Transportation  Line. 
"During  all  of  mv  life  to  think  has  been 

O  */ 

to  act,  therefore  you  need  not  be  surprised 
to  know  that  in  a  month  I  had  left  New  Bed 
ford  on  a  chartered  whaling  steamer  looking 
for  whales.  I  had  decided  that  the  whale 
was  the  animal  most  suited  to  my  purpose. 
Off  the  coast  of  Labrador  we  sighted  a  large 
school  of  whales.  Fortunately  it  was  a  graded 
school,  so  to  say,  consisting  of  true  whales, 
Greenland  whales,  humpbacked  whales,  fin- 
backed  whales,  spermaceti  whales,  and  so 
forth.  We  had  considerable  trouble  in  driv 
ing  them  at  first,  but  I  rigged  up  a  fog-horn 
with  a  reed  so  it  would  say  '  shoo,'  and  they 
soon  learned  what  it  meant,  and  we  worked 
them  along  down  the  coast  by  easy  stages. 
A  good  many  of  the  more  skittish  ran  back, 


106  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JUNES 

and  I  thought  at  one  time  that  I  might  have 
to  send  a  tug  ahead  with  a  herring  on  the  end 
of  a  stick  to  coax  the'm ;  but  we  finally  got 
them  down  to  Gardiner's  Bay,  Long  Island, 
and  grounded  them  in  the  shallow  water. 

"Of  course  it  has  always  been  self-evident 
that  the  whale  would  make  a  splendid  driv 
ing  animal  if  he  could  be  controlled.  The 
most  important  and  hardest  thing  was  clearly 
to  keep  him  from  diving.  A  careful  study 
showed  me  that  the  whale  could  not  dive 
without  putting  his  head  down  ;  therefore 
all  that  was  needed  was  a  check -rein  suffi 
ciently  strong  to  restrain  him  in  that  respect. 
I  selected  a  right  whale  about  seventy -five 
feet  long,  which  I  had  noticed  was  a  good 
traveller,  and  proceeded  to  harness  him.  I 
put  a  bit  about  four  inches  in  diameter  in  his 
mouth,  with  ten-foot  cheek-rings  on  each  end. 
From  this  bit  I  ran  a  hawser  along  his  back 
and  around  the  part  of  his  tail  where  the 
flukes  are  joined  to  the  body.  I  then  put  on 
a  large  collar,  attached  a  sand-barge  by  four- 
inch  wire  cables,  and  turned  him  towards 
deep  water  for  a  trial  spin. 

"  Naturally,  of  course,  that  whale  did  not 
readily  take  to  harness.  He  reared  up,  rolled 
over,  charged  ahead,  struck  out  fiercely  with 


THE    LEVIATHAN    TRANSPORTATION    LINE       107 

his  flukes,  blew  a  stream  of  water  like  an 
artesian  well,  and  otherwise  misbehaved.  His 
efforts  to  dive  were  something  startling,  but 
the  check-rein  held,  and  he  finally  gave  it  up. 

"I  had  wire-cable  reins  connected  with  the 
wheel  in  the  pilot-house,  and  stood  there  and 
guided  him,  occasionally  touching  him  up 
with  a  bamboo  fishing-pole.  In  two  hours 
he  drove  fairly  well,  and  in  a  week  was  fully 
broken,  though  he  always  remained  hard- 
mouthed,  and  was  never  what  you  might  call 
a  lady's  whale. 

"  I  then  went  ahead  and  broke  the  others 
of  the  school  to  harness.  I  found  the  Green- 
lands  made  the  best  draught  animals,  and  I 
used  them  in  towing  lighters,  canal-boats, 
barges,  and  so  forth,  either  driving  them 
single  or  two  abreast.  The  fin-backs,  I  soon 
discovered,  were  the  best  driving  beasts,  be 
ing  light,  ran  gey,  and  stylish.  I  took  a 
young  and  quick-stroke  fin-back  for  my  own 
private  use,  and  used  him  on  my  yacht.  He 
was  a  free  driver,  a  little  inclined  to  shy  at 
light-houses  and  promontories,  but  gentle 
as  a  kitten.  He  could  throw  spray  in  the 
face  of  any  other  whale  along  the  coast.  He 
was  better  on  a  smooth  track  like  the  Sound, 
but  did  not  make  a  bad  showing  outside 


108  ''"IK     ADVENTURES    OF    JO\K> 

where  the  track  was  heavy.  He  was  always 
rather  nervous  about  being  hitched  up,  and 
it  usually  took  two  men  to  get  him  into  the 
shafts." 

Jones  paused  as  if  there  was  no  more  to 
tell. 

"  But,"  said  Jackson  Peters,  "  I  fail  to  find 
any  notice  of  the  New  York  and  Boston  Le 
viathan  Towing  and  Transportation  Line  in 
the  classified  newspaper  advertisements,  either 
under  the  head  of  '  Shipping'  or  '  Transporta 
tion.'  '' 

"  You  should  look  under  the  heading  of 
'  Whales — coastwise.'  However,  you  wouldn't 
find  it  there,  either,  now.  I  gave  up  the  busi 
ness  on  account  of  the  continued  opposition 
of  the  steamship  people.  They  made  various 
ridiculous  charges,  and  got  the  Society  for 
the  Prevention  of  Cruelty  to* Animals  ex 
cited.  The  absurd  cry  was  set  up  that  my 
check-reins  were  cruel,  and  that  I  was  dock 
ing  the  flukes  of  my  driving  animals.  They 
also  got  a  law  enacted  requiring  me  to  stop 
every  fifty  miles  and  feed  my  whales  out  of  a 
nose-bag  made  from  a  balloon — something  ut 
terly  uncalled  for.  The  charge  of  fast  driv 
ing  was  likewise  made  against  me,  and  a  law 
passed  prohibiting  a  speed  of  above  forty-five 


JOXES    EXERCISES    THE    FIX- RACK 


THE    LEVIATHAN    TRANSPORTATION    LINE       H)}) 

miles  an  hour.  Finally  I  gave  the  whole 
scheme  up,  and  turned  my  whales  loose.  I 
am  essentially  a  man  of  peace,  esteeming 
quietude  above  all  things.  Strife  is  as  dis 
tasteful  to  me  as  untruth.  The  whales  lapsed 
into  barbarism,  but  did  not  utterly  forget 
their  cunning.  Two  years  later,  when  the 
bark  Curlew's  Call  tried  to  take  my  fin-back, 
off  the  coast  of  Greenland,  he  dodged  the 
harpoon,  took  it  in  his  mouth  like  a  tooth 
pick,  and  punched  the  boats  so  full  of  holes 
with  it  that  they  looked  like  nutmeg-graters." 


XIX 

TIGERS 

"  I'VE  just  been  reading,"  said  Jackson  Pe 
ters,  "  of  an  unfortunate  family  in  Tennessee. 
Two  escaped  circus  tigers  have  got  into  the 
cellar  of  their  house,  and  are  roaring  and  fight 
ing  and  bumping  their  heads  up  against  the 
floor.  None  of  the  family  dare  go  down  cel 
lar,  and  they  are  wondering  what  they  are 
going  to  do  about  it." 

"  Still,"  remarked  Jones,  "  the  tiger  is  a 
comparatively  tractable  animal.  As  is  so 
often  the  case,  it  is  the  mild  power  which 
triumphs,  and  a  tiger  becomes  a  mere  play 
thing  when  you  know  how  to  go  at  him.  You 
remember  my  telling  you  of  when  I  lived  in 
Australia  and  got  the  government  reward  o'f 
ten  thousand  pounds  for  the  best  rabbit-de 
stroyer  by  simply  painting  a  black  spot  on  the 
end  of  a  number  of  logs  and  allowing  the  in 
telligent  animals  to  dash  their  brains  out  in 


TIGERS  111 

trying  to  rush  into  the  apparently  hollow  tree 
trunks." 

"But  the  difference,  Jones,  between  the 
cotton-tail  rabbit  and  the  man-eating  tiger  is 
fairly  perceptible  to  the  eye  of  the  trained 
observer,"  returned  Jackson  Peters. 

"To  the  man  who  is  at  home  with  animals, 
neither  amounts  to  any  more  than  one  of  those 
cotton -flannel  dogs  with  shoe -button  eyes 
which  you  see  in  toy-stores.  I  met  your  man- 
eating  tiger  when  I  lived  in  India,  and  found 
him  an  amiable  beast.  His  purr  is  loud  and 
disagreeable,  and  he  is  too  big  to  make  a  suc 
cessful  monser,  but  otherwise  I  liked  him. 

"  While  in  India  I  lived  in  the  Bugaboohoo 
country,  which  was  badly  infested  by  tigers, 
all  of  them,  seemingly,  with  the  man-eating 
habit.  My  bungalow  was  not  far  from  the 
Muddi  River,  which  was  bordered  by  dense 
and  in  many  places  impassable  jungles.  I 
was  conducting  a  coffee  plantation,  and  the 
tigers  had  a  habit  of  carrying  off  my  work 
men  to  such  an  extent  that  it  was  like  having 
a  Debs  strike  on  my  hands  all  the  while.  I 
endured  it  for  some  time,  and  then  decided 
to  calmly  yet  firmly  rid  the  district  of  tigers. 

"  I  had  made  a  close  study  of  the  tiger  and 
knew  his  habits  thoroughly.  As  you  may  re- 


113  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JOXES 

member,  a  tiger  comes  out  of  his  lair  at  about 
sundown  and  prepares  to  make  a  night  of  it, 
much  as  the  domestic  cat  too  often  does.  The 
first  thing  he  does  is  to  tune  up  Ins  voice  by 
a  series  of  raspings  on  his  vocal  cords.  Then 
he  scratches  off  a  few  square  yards  of  bark 
from  a  convenient  tree,  lashes  his  sides  with 
his  tail,  and  goes  down  to  the  river  and  takes 
a  drink,  after  which  the  real  sport  of  the 
night  opens,  and  he  begins  to  look  for  likely 
men.  For  several  evenings  I  watched  a  dozen 
large  and  ferocious  man-eaters  come  down  to 
the  river  for  their  preliminary  drink.  Though 
in  no  way  banded  together,  they  all  came  at 
about  the  same  time  and  drank  at  the  same 
spot.  I  knew  that  each  of  them  had  killed 
a  score  of  my  workmen,  besides  many  other 
people,  and  I  determined  that  I  would  take 
them  into  camp  and  hang  their  rugs  on  my 
fence. 

"  For  several  days  I  hit  on  no  satisfactoiy 
plan  for  accomplishing  this,  but  one  after 
noon  while  sitting  on  my  veranda  watching 
the  family  cat  and  her  kittens  disporting 
themselves  amid  a  bed  of  catnip  which  grew 
in  my  garden,  the  seed  for  which  I  had  taken 
from  this  country,  the  whole  thing  flashed 
upon  me.  Cutting  an  armful  of  the  plant, 


JONES   ENGAGED    IN    DECORATING    THE    TIGER 


TIGERS  113 

and  taking  a  ball  of  twine,  I  proceeded  im 
mediately  to  the  drinking-place  of  the  tigers, 
and  concealed  myself  in  the  tall  grass. 

"  I  had  not  been  there  above  ten  minutes 
when  a  large  and  apparently  old  tiger  came 
down  the  path.  He  paused  in  front  of  me 
and  began  lapping  up  the  water  with  his 
tongue,  while  his  tail  stretched  on  the  ground 
behind  him.  I  reached  out,  and  with  a  bit  of 
string  securely  tied  a  good-sized  bunch  of  the 
catnip  to  the  end  of  his  tail.  He  finished 
drinking  and  turned,  licking  his  chops  and 
glaring  about  for  members  of  the  Coffee-hoers' 
Federated  Union.  As  he  did  so  he  caught 
sight  of  the  bouquet  on  the  end  of  his  tail. 
He  drew  it  around  and  sniffed  at  it.  Then 
he  took  a  nip  of  it,  and  an  expression  which 
was  almost  a  smile  spread  over  his  face.  He 
sat  down,  took  the  whole  bunch  in  his  mouth, 
and  began  chewing  it,  all  the  time  roaring 
harsh  but  pleased  purrs  out  of  the  corners  of 
his  mouth. 

"Gentlemen,  I  will  not  weary  you,  but  in 
a  half-hour  I  had  fourteen  royal  Bengal  man- 
eating  tigers  sitting  about,  with  the  ends  of 
their  tails  in  their  mouths,  chewing  catnip  and 
purring  at  the  top  of  their  voices.  It  was  a 
new  experience  for  the  beasts,  the  plant  not 


114  TIIK     ADYK.VITKKS    OF    .JONES 

being  indigenous  to  India,  and  for  the  time 
being  it  brought  on  a  state  of  ecstasy  which 
completely  deprived  them  of  their  self-con 
trol.  I  picked  up  a  short  stick  and  drove 
them  before  me  to  my  bungalow  as  if  they 
had  been  sheep,  each  animal  keeping  his  tail 
in  his  mouth.  I  guided  them  into  an  enclos 
ure  back  of  my  house,  where,  you  may  be 
sure,  my  men  took  great  pleasure  in  despatch 
ing  them.  The  fourteen  rugs  I  sent  to  friends 
in  this  country." 

"  Why  did  you  leave  India?"  asked  Robin 
son. 

"  A  year  later  the  Coffee-hoers'  Federated 
Union  set  up  the  cry  that  killing  the  tigers 
had  allowed  the  ranks  of  the  working-men  to 
increase  to  such  an  extent  that  it  was  impossi 
ble  longer  to  make  a  living,  so  they  boycotted 
me.  They  called  me  a  plutocrat  who  was 
sucking  the  life-blood  of  the  country,  and  I 
had  to  leave  in  the  night." 


XX 

IN    HIGH    LATITUDES 


THE  conversation,  gently  but  impercepti 
bly  moulded  by  the  crafty  Jones,  had  drifted 
around  to  the  subject  of  fear,  and  no  sooner 
was  it  well  grounded  than  he  announced 
boldly  that  he  felt  impelled  to  confess  that 
he  was  once  genuinely  and  unmistakably 
scared. 

"On  that  occasion,"  he  went  on,  "I  knew 
what  it  was  to  be  frightened,  to  feel  an  unut 
terable  sense  of  terror,  and  to  give  way  to  it. 
Of  course,  in  my  life,  which,  as  you  know,  has 
been  an  active  one,  and  not  without  its  stir 
ring  and  even  exciting  incidents,  I  have  often 
known  what  it  is  to  be  embarrassed,  or  even 
alarmed,  but  I  never  gave  way  to  the  blind 
animal  instinct  of  fright  but  once  ;  and  the 
consequences  might  have  been  so  disastrous 
that  I  have  never  allowed  it  to  happen  again. 
It  is  not  flattering  to  one's  self-esteem  to  feel 
that  one  was  saved  by  chance." 


H6  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

"It  seems  to  me,"  said  Jackson  Peters, 
"  that  you  have  been  saved  by  chance  a  great 
many  times,  according  to  your  own  story. 
How  about  the  time  in  Africa  when  you 
woke  up  and  found  the  elephant  preparing 
to  lie  down  on  you  for  the  night?" 

"  I  rolled  out  of  the  way  and  went  back  to 
sleep,"  answered  Jones.  "No  luck  about  it. 
He  took  up  more  than  his  share  of  the  bed 
for  the  rest  of  the  night,  but  I  didn't  make 
any  objections.  Being  saved  by  mere  chance 
is  well  illustrated  by  your  own  experience 
that  night  you  saw  a  strange  moon  with  a 
beard  attack  the  regular  moon,  and  whirl 
about  it  with  frightful  rapidity.  It  was  sim 
ply  good-luck  that  a  policeman  came  along 
and  told  the  strange  and  bellicose  moon  to  go 
'way,  and  took  you  home  out  of  the  danger. 
Or  the  night  you — " 

"But,  Jones,"  said  Robinson,  soothingly, 
"you  started  to  tell  us  of  your  scare." 

"True;  and  I  will.  It  was  a  number  of 
years  ago.  I  was  following  the  sea  at  the 
time,  and  was  first-mate  of  the  whaling  bark 
Flying  Cloud.  We  entered  the  Arctic  Ocean 
through  Bering  Strait,  and  cruised  about  for 
several  months.  Our  luck  was  poor,  and  in 
our  anxiety  to  fill  our  oil-tanks  we  stayed  a 


IN    HIGH    LATITUDES  117 

day  too  long,  and  got  nipped  in  the  ice.  The 
floe  drifted  for  several  days  in  a  northeaster 
ly  direction,  and  we  finally  went  aground 
somewhere  above  Sabine  Land.  We  saw  that 
we  were  in  for  a  winter  there,  and  settled 
down  to  make  the  best  of  it. 

"  Darkness,  of  course,  soon  closed  around 
us,  and  the  cold  became  intense.  It  was  a 
hard  winter  even  for  that  extreme  latitude. 
None  of  the  crew  had  ever  experienced  any 
thing  like  it.  I  may  illustrate  it,  in  a  meas 
ure,  by  this  incident,  which,  though  trifling 
in  itself,  remains  fixed  in  my  mind  :  I  went 
to  my  room  one  night  with  a  candle  as  usual. 
Got  ready  for  bed  and  tried  to  bloAV  out  the 
candle.  Couldn't  do  it.  Looked  closely,  and 
saw  that  the  flame  was  frozen  solid.  Broke 
it  off  with  my  thumb  and  finger,  jumped  into 
bed,  and  slept  soundly  till  morning. 

"  My  naturally  adventurous  spirit  took  me 
out  much,  and  I  had  soon  explored  the  neigh 
borhood.  Being  a  good  shot,  I  frequently 
brought  in  fresh  meat,  which  was  greatly  rel 
ished  by  the  crew.  The  captain  warned  me, 
however,  that  I  would  come  to  some  danger 
if  I  persisted  in  wandering  away  from  the 
ship  ;  but,  with  the  recklessness  of  youth,  I 
did  not  heed  him.  I  had  my  dog  Bones  with 


113  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

me,  and  together  we  would  go  out  every  day 
on  a  hunting  trip.  You  will  remember  that 
Bones  was  not  a  hunting-dog,  being,  in  fact, 
a  corresponding  member  of  the  Philadelphia 
Canine  Universal  Peace  Society ;  but  he  was 
much  company  for  me,  nevertheless.  Poor 
dog,  he  finally  choked  to  death  on  the  wish 
bone  of  a  Thanksgiving  turkey  ! 

"On  the  10th  of  January  I  left  the  ship, 
as  usual,  at  about  nine  o'clock  in  the  morning 
with  my  rifle  and  Bones.  The  stars  were 
shining  brightly,  and  a  beautiful  aurora  lit 
up  the  landscape.  I  hoped  to  kill  one  or  more 
polar-bears,  not  only  for  the  meat  they  would 
afford,  but  because  they  were  becoming  very 
troublesome,  having  badly  gnawed  our  rud 
der  and  broken  off  our  foretop-gallant-mast. 
Though  apparently  awkward  creatures,  they 
can,  as  you  know,  run  as  fast  as  a  horse,  and 
are  quick  and  active  as  a  cat.  I  knew  my 
danger  in  hunting  them,  but  relied  on  my 
skill  with  the  rifle. 

"I  was  about  two  miles  from  the  ship,  and 
was  clambering  up  a  small  ridge  of  ice,  when 
suddenly  from  the  other  side  an  immense 
white  paw  uprose,  and  with  one  blow  my 
gun  was  knocked  from  my  hands.  It  disap 
peared  in  a  crevice  of  the  ice,  and  as  I  jumped 


IN    HIGH    LATITUDES  lit) 

back,  four  large  polar-bears  leaped  into  view 
and  began  scrambling  down  the  ridge.  They 
were  evidently  made  desperate  by  hunger, 
and  I  saw  that  there  would  not  be  the  least 
delay  in  their  attacking  me. 

"It  is  at  this  point,  gentlemen,  that  I  have 
to  confess  my  fright.  Not  that  I  haven't 
on  many  other  occasions  run  from  danger  ; 
when  discretion  is  the  better  part  of  valor  I 
choose  the  better  part  ;  it  is  no  disgrace  to 
retreat  in  the  face  of  an  overwhelming  force  ; 
but  in  my  other  retreats  I  have  kept  my  head 
and  known  precisely  what  I  was  doing.  But 
on  this  occasion — it  may  have  come  from  the 
darkness,  the  weirdness  of  the  scene,  the  sud 
denness  of  the  attack,  the  utter  desperation 
of  the  situation,  the  hollow  cries  of  the  rav 
enous  beasts,  the  wailing  of  poor  Bones — I 
know  not  what  it  was — but  I  felt  a  sense  of 
hopeless,  abject  terror.  Seizing  my  valuable 
dog  by  the  nape  of  the  neck,  I  turned  and 
fled  blindly,  ignominiously,  and  as  one  bereft 
of  all  reason. 

"'Naturally,  in  my  insane  condition — for  it 
amounted  to  little  less — I  could  not  judge 
how  long  those  terrible  animals  followed  me, 
but  it  seemed  that  for  hours  they  were  close 
behind,  uttering  their  starving,  hideous  roar, 


lt>()  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JOXES 

and  gnashing  their  famished,  savage  teeth. 
My  speed  must  have  been  something  terrific, 
and  far  beyond  that  ordinarily  possible  for  a 
man,  since  the  bears  did  not  overtake  me.  I 
carried  Bones  under  my  arm,  with  his  tail 
waving  behind,  and  whether  it  was  torn  at 
by  the  bears,  or  worn  out  by  the  frightful 
wind  born  of  my  flight,  I  know  not,  but  I  do 
know  that  it  became  a  sorry  and  bedraggled 
appendage. 

"As  I  said,  I  do  not  know  how  long  the 
bears  pursued  me  ;  I  only  know  that  at  last 
I  became  conscious  that  they  were  no  longer 
behind,  partly  from  my  own  senses,  now  in  a 
measure  returned,  and  partly  from  the  fact 
that  Bones  no  longer  kept  up  a  prolonged 
and  cowardly  wail.  Now,  gentlemen,  comes 
what  is  perhaps  the  most  extraordinary  fact 
connected  with  my  whole  career.  I  do  not 
pretend  to  account  for  it — I  simply  give  it 
to  you  as  it  happened.  When  I  realized  that 
I  was  no  longer  followed,  I  of  course  decided 
to  stop,  but,  gentlemen,  when  I  attempted  it, 
I  found  I  had  no  more  control  over  my  legs 
than  I  had  over  the  movements  of  the  plan 
ets.  I  willed  to  stop,  but  my  legs  rushed  on 
with  the  same  rapidity.  I  looked  down  upon 
them  curiously,  as  they  flew  like  the  spokes 


JONES   SURPRISED    BY    FOUR   LARGE    POLAR   BEARS 


IX    HIGH    LATITUDES  121 

of  an  engine-wheel,  and  with  precisely  the 
same  feeling  that  I  might  look  at  such  a 
wheel.  I  felt  as  one  might  feel  on  a  hand 
car  which  was  running  away  down  a  steep 
grade.  My  fright  had,  in  fact,  produced 
some  sort  of  aggravated  chorea,  or  St.  Vitas' s 
dance,  and  the  muscles  of  my  legs  were  as 
completely  out  of  my  control  as  those  of  my 
heart.  I  rushed  on  across  the  frozen  plain 
involuntarily  and  automatically. 

"When  at  last  I  had  fully  taken  in  the 
strange  situation,  I  looked  at  the  stars,  and 
found  that  I  was  moving  a  little  north  of 
east,  directly  away  from  the  ship.  I  dis 
covered  that  I  could  guide  myself,  if  I  could 
not  stop,  and  my  first  thought  was  to  turn 
and  allow  myself  to  run  towards  the  vessel. 
It  then  occurred  to  me  that  I  was  going  at 
the  rate  of  at  least  twenty  miles  an  hour, 
and  that  I  must  have  been  running  for  three 
or  four  hours,  so  the  hopelessness  of  finding 
the  ship  was  apparent.  For  another  hour  I 
rushed  on,  and  considered  the  situation.  Sud 
denly  a  thought  which  almost  dazed  me  rose 
up  in  my  mind.  I  would  turn  due  north, 
and  perhaps  reach  the  very  pole  itself  before 
I  ran  down  ! 

"Gentlemen,  this  is  already  a  long,  and,  I 


122  THE    ADVENTURES    OF    JONES 

fear,  an  unprofitable  tale  ;  I  will  hurry  to 
my  conclusion.  For  hours  I  swept  on  at  the 
same  appalling  rate.  I  felt  no  weariness, 
only  the  exhilarating  sense  of  being  carried 
along  as  if  on  the  wings  of  the  wind.  Hun 
ger  I  felt  occasionally,  which  I  satisfied  with 
strips  of  pemmican,  which  I  took  from  my 
pocket,  not  forgetting  to  give  faithful  Bones 
his  share.  On  the  morning  of  the  third  day, 
January  12th,  I  saw  by  the  stars  that  I  was 
in  the  immediate  neighborhood  of  the  pole. 
At  eleven  o'clock  I  was  sure  that  I  was 
almost  or  exactly  crossing  it.  Patriotic  in 
stincts  rose  in  my  bosom.  Pulling  out  a 
small  American  flag,  I  attached  it  to  a  strip 
of  pemmican,  frozen  like  a  rod  of  iron,  and, 
as  I  tore  over  the  spot  like  a  terrified  ghost, 
I  stuck  the  odd  staff  in  the  snow,  and  took 
possession  of  the  region  in  the  name  of  Con 
gress  and  President  Buchanan.  It  was  a 
scene  to  remember:  the  calm  unvexed  pole- 
star  in  the  very  zenith  looking  down  upon  a 
scene  it  had  never  witnessed  before  ;  the  aw 
ful  limitless  plain  of  eternal  snow  ;  the  brill 
iant  aurora  hanging  like  convoluted  curtains 
of  a  hundred  colors  about  the  mighty  vault 
of  heaven  ;  the  glorious  Stars  and  Stripes 
fluttering  proudly  in  the  breeze  ;  Bones  wav- 


IN    HIGH    LATITUDES  123 

ing  his  dismantled  tail  and  rolling  out  a 
glad  patriotic  howl,  and  my  own  legs  rush 
ing  on  with  their  long  gallop  like  the  ever 
lasting  beating  of  the  unwearied  wings  of 
the  Eagles  of  the  Sun.  I  turned  neither  to 
the  right  nor  to  the  left.  But  my  face,  be 
fore  to  the  mysterious  north,  was  now  set 
towards  the  hopeful  south.  Three  days  later, 
on  January  15th,  I  reached  a  settlement  on 
the  Yenisei  River,  in  Siberia,  where  I  stayed 
till  spring,  when  I  came  home  by  the  way  of 
Moscow  and  St.  Petersburg,  bringing  Bones 
with  me." 

"But,"  said  Jackson  Peters,  earnestly, 
"  how  did  you  stop  at  the  settlement  ?" 

"I  threw  myself  on  my  back,  while  the 
governor  of  the  province  and  three  soldiers 
sat  on  my  legs  till  they  became  calm.  Gen 
tlemen,  I  hope  never  to  be  frightened  like 
that  again." 


THE    END 


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A  racy,  delightful  little  book.  ...  It  is  a  long  time 
since  we  have  met  with  such  a  combination  of  keen  yet 
fair  criticism,  genuine  wit,  and  literary  grace.  The  skill 
with  which  certain  limitations  of  English  literary  people, 
past  or  present,  are  indicated  is  as  impressive  as  it  is 
artistic. — Congregationalist,  Boston. 

THIS  PICTURE  AND  THAT.  A  Comedy.  Illus 
trated.  321110,  Cloth,  Ornamental,  50  cents. 

THE  DECISION  OF  THE  COURT  A  Comedy 
Illustrated.  321110,  Cloth,  Ornamental,  50  cents. 

IN  THE  VESTIBULE  LIMITED.  A  Story.  Illus 
trated.  32mo,  Cloth,  Ornamental,  50  cents. 


PUBLISHED  BY  HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  NEW  YORK 

(T/=  For  sale  bv  all  booksellers,  or  will  be  sent  by  the  publish 
ers,  postage  prepaid,  to  any  part  of  the  United  States,  Canada, 
or  Mexico,  on  receipt  of  the  price. 


YB  73187 


